Counting My Blessings

Jen, of MUBAR fame, recently posted on Literary Mama about "Wifely Duties," and that got me thinking (and a little frightened for a lot of women out there).

Ian does not expect a lot from me as the stay at home parent in our lives. He does not expect me to cook fancy meals, to dress pretty, to take dancing lessons, to keep the house spotless, or to do routine maintenance on the household appliances. He does not want me to wash his truck in my bathing suit, or get breast augmentation (like I need it anyways). The things he does bug me about, loosing a little weight etc. are things that he knows preoccupy my mind anyways, and to be honest, I know that he doesnt care that I am a little fat, he wants me to be happy with myself, and he wants me to be healthy.

So the fact that I feel guilty about the house being a mess, about the dishes not getting done, about not being a perfect and beautiful wife...where does that come from? I feel guilty asking him to take out the garbage when he gets home from work (though not guilty enough not to ask him). I worry constantly that he thinks all I do is sit around all day eating popcorn. You see, I have never, ever been a tidy person. I'm much better now than I used to be...but if you come over to my house you will not see the spotlessness that my mothers house used to be. The floors need to be cleaned, things need to be put away, toys are scattered from one end of the house to the other. Cooking a supper that doesn't come in a package is a big deal to me. I get frazzled and overwhelmed by the mess, and unless I'm feeling incredibly manic, it doesn't get cleaned up.

While I do think that I do a lot around the house, I also have to admit that I am incredibly lazy. When Mary is napping and I could be doing things around the house, more often than not I find myself sitting on the couch reading a book, in the bath, having a nap, or playing on the computer. The things that need to get done do get done, the dishes are washed, the bathroom is clean(ish...how clean can you keep your bathroom with a great big hole in the drywall anyways?), Mary is fed, watered, and entertained. I just can't help but feel I should be doing more.

Complainyness

I'm lonely. I'm lonely and bored, damn it. Lonely, bored and lazy.

I thought that seing people on the weekend would make things better, and it did, for a day or so...but now it's almost worse. I had human contact, and now I really really miss it even more than I did before. I don't know what it is, but for the last couple of days I have just been miserable, and I don't really know what to do about it. It's really bad at night after Mary goes to bed. I just sit here, resenting the fact that I am trapped in this dumpy little house, all alone. Then I start sinking into that pit of gloom, making myself more and more miserable, dwelling on it, and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it's cause we just passed 2.5 weeks without Ian, and thats my limit, or what...but it's all of a sudden a lot harder.

Oh! A new movie with Mila Jovovich...gosh she's hot.

In other news, both the American and Canadian hockey teams got knocked out of the metals running in the olympics. All I have to say to that is HA! Hopefully those arrogant, overpaid assholes from the NHL are enjoying their slice of humble pie. It really quite bothers me that NHL players are allowed to be in the olympics. Guys who make millions of dollars a year are definately not amatuers, right?

Why I Don't Need to Beat my Child

She does it herself. Seriously, I can't take Mary out in public right now...Someone will take a look at her, go "Oh, that poor abused baby" and call child services on me. I swear, no matter how frustrated I get with her, I've never hit her once, but it sure looks like it. This toddler thing is crazy.

She has figured out how to climb on the couch, which she does. All. The. Time. It drives me bonkers. On Sunday, she crawled up, and proceeded to run, not walk, but run, from one end of the couch to the other. I went over, told her sternly that when we are on the couch we sit. She laughed at me. I sat her down. She laughed at me. I took her off the couch, and she protested by turning herself into a noodle, shrieking, and flinging her very heavy head backwards in an attempt to break my collar bone. I put her on the floor, and someone pinged me on MSN. It was my darling absentee husband, so I decided to sit down and type hello. I got a really bad feeling all of a sudden, and turned around just in time to see Mary, on the couch, well, she was actually on her way off the couch. She landed directly on the top of her head with a horrible thump, and then flipped over on to her back. I picked her up, and could already feel the giant goose egg. The next day she was running on the couch again, apparently toddlers don't learn lessons.

Yesterday she scratched herself on the cheek. Her nails are very long and very sharp, and unfortunately she despises having them cut. I can usually get one or two done before she starts writing and shrieking and I worry that I may end up chopping off a finger. Then when we were babysitting Jonah, she tripped, and wacked her face on the floor, putting all four of her bottom teeth through her bottom lip. I put ice on it after the screaming and bleeding had slowed down, but her lip still puffed up like she was a prize fighter. Then she was trying to stand up in her usual way, her feet on the ground, legs straight, bum in the air and head down, when she lost her balance, and cracked her forehead on the floor...another lovely bruise and bump to add to the collection.

So today, I'll not be going out. Don't want to end up accused of being a baby abuser.

In other news, I'm not going to Regina this week. We were supposed to leave this morning, but yesterday the Edmonton Area got more snow than we had all winter. The highways aren't terrible, if I were alone, or Ian was here, then I would have no problem, but with Mary's new idea of fun in the car, I won't be able to concentrate on driving as well. Oh well, I guess we will go next month.

Oh! Ian got a call from someone about a new job! Yay! He told his current bosses already that he is unlikely to be going with them to Puerto Rico, and they took it pretty well, so now I am desperately trying to find him a new job. The plan is for Ian to call these people back today on his lunch break...I really hope it goes well. The job pays better, is for a larger company, working with concrete so it will be a little bit warmer, and the only out of town stuff would be rare, and in Alberta from the sounds of it. Yay! Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Engram thingie

I don't usually put much stock in these things...but...this is kind of eerie...

the Romantic Test finished!

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR. "I am unique" Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive. How to Get Along with Me Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me. Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself. Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision. Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little. Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting! What I Like About Being a Four my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level my ability to establish warm connections with people admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor being unique and being seen as unique by others having aesthetic sensibilities being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me What's Hard About Being a Four experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved feeling guilty when I disappoint people feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me expecting too much from myself and life fearing being abandoned obsessing over resentments longing for what I don't have Fours as Children Often have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s are very sensitive feel that they don't fit in believe they are missing something that other people have attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc. become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce) Fours as Parents help their children become who they really are support their children's creativity and originality are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings are sometimes overly critical or overly protective are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages You are not completely happy with the result?! You chose BY Would you rather have chosen: AY (EIGHT) CY (SIX) BX (NINE) BZ (FIVE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 26% on ABC You scored higher than 49% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Finally!

For almost 3 years now, we have lived less than a block from a Jehovas Witness Kingdom Hall. Never in that three years have they stopped by to say hello, until today! (I know, it's a little odd that I'm so pleased...). Anyways, there was an older fellow, and a young guy, very neatly dressed in their suits. They didn't stay as long as I think they would have liked as I was still wearing my dressing gown, but I invited them in, they gave me their magazines, read a little passage from the Bible, and went on their way. I told them that they were welcome to come back any time, and the older fellow assured me that they would. I really am quite fascinated with all religions, and offshoots of Christianity fascinate me even more. Hopefully next time I will be clothed, and they will come in for tea so we can chat.

Yay! Another Quiz!

You are Rerun!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Quiz!

Yay! I'm a self righteous jerk!

Paladin 51% Combativeness, 16% Sneakiness, 47% Intellect, 75% Spirituality

Valorous! Noble! Or possibly just a self-righteous jerk… You are a Paladin! Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the light. Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they tend to meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red dragon." Many people look up to Paladins, while others just consider them stuck up, overbearing, or self-righteous. Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and religion. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Remember: Just because someone doesn't agree with you, doesn't mean you should hurt them.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 42% on Combativeness You scored higher than 8% on Sneakiness You scored higher than 10% on Intellect You scored higher than 97% on Spirituality

Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Things Mary Does

~Yesterday I said "Does it feel good to have all that food in your belly, Mary?" and she grabbed her belly. So I said, "where's your belly, Mary?" and she did it again, and again and again....

~She will point to my nose, ears, mouth and eyes...

~She has more words! (Speach delay my ass). She now says: Mummy (mumumum), Daddy (da-eee), Cat (CAT! CAAAAAT!), hi (HI! HI! HI! HI!), Cookie (doo.), Juice (bu! bu! but she does something to almost roll the b, if that makes any sense.), Up (although mosty she just says uh, uh, uh, in an increasingly high pitched whine), baby (baby!).

~This morning I said to her, "Mary, where's your juice?" And she stomped all over the house shouting "bu! buuu! bu!" until she found it. Then she looked at me, looked at her juice, and smiled, blissfully happy. Then she stomped away, ignoring the juice completely.

~She digs through the laundry, and scatters it from one end of the house to the other. Even the high laundry basket which I didnt think she could get into.

~She has started grinding her teeth. Again.

~She loves when I chase her around the house, or play hide and seek with her. Her favorite part is when I jump out and yell "BOO!" She shrieks and laughs so hard that she can't move.

~Her new game in the car: Scream as shrilly and as loudly as you can. It's fun. It works equally well in the house because it echoes, but the effect is much better when Mummy is concentrating on driving.

Grey's Anatomy

Didja see it?? I did. Oh. My. God.

I cried. A lot. And I shouted at the T.V. I actually yelled at the hypnotic black box. I shouldn't watch that show, it hurts too much.

Tell me what you think

I took this from Cori.

Tell me what you think of me by going here.

Hopping off the Choo-Choo Train of Self Pity

I stole this from The Simian over at his farm. Yet another meme, but what the hell. I'm running out of original things to talk about here.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

February of 1996:

I graduated from High School in 1995. The year of 1996 is mostly an alcohol induced haze. I know I worked. I know I did stuff, but for the life of me all I can remember is being drunk, and partying a whole lot.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

February of 2005:

Ah, February. My least favorite month. Last year at this time I was extremely depressed, and dealing with a 2 month old baby. By February I knew that I was unhealthy, and I was working very hard to deal with it without taking the drugs that everyone wanted me to take. February was a very hard month, but by March, things were much better.


Five snacks you enjoy:

-Vanilla Ice Cream. I could eat a litre, and still want more.
-Whole Grain bread with peanut butter and honey. soooo sticky and good
-Poutine. Need I say more?
-Air popped popcorn with more butter and salt than is healthy for anyone.
-Ripple chips and dip.

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

-Cordelia, Tragically Hip (and countless other Hip songs)
-Baretts Privateers, Stan Rogers
-Mary Mac, Great Big Sea (and pretty near every other song they sing)
-Blaze of Glory, Bon Jovi
-Baby beluga, Raffi

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

-Donate to World Vision
-Pay for Miss Marys schooling
-Buy a house that isn't falling down around me
-Go to Africa for a few months
-My hair

Five bad habits
-Oh, do I ever procrastinate
-Complain
-Nagging
-Procrastinate
-Procrastinate

Five things you like doing:

-Reading and reading and reading.
-Having a hot bath.
-I used to really enjoy cross country sking, but I haven't done that in years.
-Cuddling with my husband (Or the cats in his absence)
-Playing with Miss Mary

Five things you would never wear again:

-Mini Skirts
-Midriff baring shirts
-Stiletto heels
-Vinyl
-Stiletto heels

Five Favourite toys:

-My dice (gosh, I'm a geek)
-Miss Mary
-The cats
-My embroidery stuff
-My car
(wow, I'm really quite boring...I need more toys, I think.)

You probably shouldn't read this.

Mary is constipated. Again. I don't know what to do. I called the nurses at capital health link, and although the woman I spoke to was nice, I don't think that she understands that fresh veggies and fruits are expensive. I hate to think that I am poor, but I am. I hate to think that I am so poor that I can't afford to feed my baby properly, that I'm damaging my baby, but it looks like that's the way it is. Right now, because of a mess up with Ian's paycheque, we are broke. Not just "I can't afford to go out tonight" broke, but "I can't buy fresh fruits for my baby" broke, "If something happens, we are in deep trouble" broke. And there is nothing I can do. Our mortgage payment is likely to bounce. I don't see things getting any better, and I don't know what to do.

We are likely going to sell the house when Ian gets back, and move into a rental place. Hopefully, if we sell the house we will be able to pay down our debts a great deal, and be in a better place. If we could just dig ourselves out of this hole that we are in, then maybe we could start over...but right now it just feels like no matter how much we scramble, the hole just keeps getting deeper. Right now, this house feels like a jail to me. I hate it so much, so many of our problems are tied up with this house, because we made such a bad decision when we bought it. I've been thinking about it, and really, renting isn't that bad. If something goes wrong, it's not our problem, the bills are 75% less than they are if you own the house, no property taxes, if you don't like the place...well, most leases are 1 year, most mortgages are at least 5. Lots of kids grow up living in appartments in Vancouver, New York, all over the world, and they do just fine.

Anyways, sorry for the trip on the self pity train, I must go, baby is trying to poo again.

Friday Baby Blogging

 


If I had been thinking, I would have taken a picture of Mary coated in Penaten yesterday...I was going too, but when I spotted the Mouthful of Penaten, I forgot about everything but calling Poison Control to ensure that my baby wasn't going to turn green, or something. Not that I would have loved a green baby any less, of course...

Anyways, this is Mary playing with the phone. (Really, Jenn? We couldn't tell.) 

A Viola, eh?

You scored as Viola. Viola. That's always fun. Viola 92% trombone 92% Percussion 75% String Bass 67% Cello 67% Tuba 58% Oboe 50% Flute 33% Clarinet 33% French Horn 25% Bassoon 25% Violin 8% Trumpet 0% If you were in an orchestra, what instrument would match your personality? created with QuizFarm.com

The Blue Can of Power (or why I'm not getting the Mum of the year award)

So. We have this can of a diaper rash cream called Penaten, you may have heard of it. Basically, it is this round blue tin, full of a white cream. Anyways, Mary loves the can, and it keeps her happy during diaper changes. She's always loved it, so long ago Ian and I dubbed it the "Blue Can of Powah!" Today, I was doing the dishes...well, that's what I told the poison control lady, I was actually reading blogs, but doesn't doing the dishes make me sound like less of a slacker Mum? and Mary got quiet. You know that old song, that says that "Silence is Golden"? Well, silence may be golden, but it is also a sign of trouble in this house. So, after a few minutes enjoying the silence I realised that no good could be happening at this moment. I turned around, and there was Mary, sitting happily on the couch, the Blue Can of Power open in her lap. Oh yes, it was open alright, and she was caked, head to toe, in white cream. Her face, her hands, her feet, her sleeper, her hair...all coated in creamy white Penaten. Then she opened her mouth to smile at me. Good Lord, even her tongue was white. So, I stripped her nekked, plunked her into the tub, brushed her teeth, and called poison control. Apparantly Penaten is nothing to be concerned about, but it may loosen her stools (yay...maybe I ought to be giving her penaten every day to loosen things up...my poor constipated girlie).

Life without Ian is going well so far. Tonight I'm making Chicken Korma and rice for supper. Yumm! Tomorrow I'm making salmon. Yay!

A bit about me

I'm bored, and I feel like blogging, but I'm having a hard time putting anything down that makes sense, so I thought I would do this instead.


RELATIONSHIP STATUS...
[single or taken] Taken, of course.
[Shoe size] I cram my giant flippers into size 9.5's these days, but I can't remember the last time I bought new shoes, so that could have changed.
[Parents still together] Nope.
[Siblings] One brother, and my Mum calls her cats my brothers as well.
[Pets] Four cats.

FAVOURITES...
[Colors] Green and Purple
[Number] I don't have a favourite number
[Animal] After cats, I love Hippo's best (and no, not because of that damned telus add)
[Drink] Alcoholic - Bailey's Irish Cream Non - Tea
[Book] Life of Pi
[Flower] I love all flowers really, but I'd have to say Bird of Paradise is my fave.

DO YOU...
[Color your hair?] I used too all the time, but I haven't lately.
[Twirl your hair?] occasionally, but it's not a habit.
[Have tattoos?] Yes, I have three and several more planned
[Have Piercings?] Nope, I'm allergic to metal. If I weren't, then I would definately have a piercing or two.
[Cheat on tests/homework?] No
[Like roller coasters?] yeesh. No.
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] Sometimes I think that I'd like to live elsewhere, but I'm really quite happy where I am.
[Like cleaning?] no, no, no. Hate it.
[Write in cursive or print?] Oh, a bit of both really.
[Own a cell phone?] Not anymore
[Ever get off the damn computer] If I have to...

HAVE YOU EVER...
[Been in a fist fight?] Nope
[Considered a life of crime?] Sure
[Considered being a hooker?] Only a high class call girl.
[Lied to someone?] Yes
[Been in love?] Yes
[Made out with JUST a friend?] Yes
[Been in lust?] Absolutely, who hasn't?
[Used someone] I'd like to think I haven't, but I probably have
[Been used?] Oh yes.
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] No
[Stolen anything?] Yes, I was about 12, it was a $1 comb from Wolco (remember that store?) and I felt so guilty that I turned myself in before I even left the store.
[Held a gun] Yes

CURRENTS...
[Current clothing] Pink plaid jammies
[Current mood] Lonely, and a tad bored. Some friends were supposed to come over tonight but one of them got sick and cancelled.
[Current taste] um. Well, I cooked a nasty chile for supper that I had a couple of mouthfuls of and threw away.
[What you currently smell like] Vanilla.
[Current hair] In a pigtail right now (as usual these days)/
[Thing I ought to be doing] Laundry, cleaning, scrubbing toilets, washing floors...
[Current cd in stereo] We have a 6 cd changer. Right now there is some Raffi, Tragically Hip, Phil Collins and White Stripes.
[Last book you read] Oh, I hate to admit this...It's a trashy romance novel called "The Prize." It's about a Saxon lass who is awarded to a Norman Baron by good old Bill the Conqueror. Of course the usual hijinx and sex ensue before they realise that they were meant for eachother, and love eachother desperately. Sigh. I really need to get to the bookstore.
[Last movie you saw] Kingdom of Heaven
[Last thing you ate] Nasty ass chile
[Last person you talked to on the phone] My Mumma

DO YOU...
[Believe there is life on other planets?] Yes, indeed I do. For a time in my youth I was convinced that I was an alien abductee...I grew out of that...
[Remember your first love?] Yes. A boy named Paul from Sarnia Ontario. I met him at summer cadet camp.
[Read the newspaper?] nope.
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?] Indeed I do!
[Believe in miracles?] Every time I look at my daughter, I know that miracles happen (sappy, eh?).
[Do well in school?] not at all. I was bored and lazy.
[Wear hats] Rarely
[Hate yourself?] Not anymore, but I used to when I was younger.
[Have an obsession?] Not in the true sense of the word, no
[Collect anything?] Kabuki comics, books, cats...
[Have a best friend?] Not really no.
[Close friends?] A few
[Like your handwriting?] When I'm working at it I think that my handwriting is quite lovely.
[Care about looks] I wish I did sometimes. Then I'd be able to do more with my hair than ponytails, and I might even know how to apply makeup to my face without looking like a clown.

LOVE...
[First crush] Crush? I can't remember, some boy in elementry school, I imagine.
[Do you believe in love at first sight?] I do.
[Do you believe in "the one?"] Yes
[Are you a tease?] I used to be, still am sometimes if you listen to what Ian has to say.
[Too shy to make the first move?] I used to be

ARE YOU A...
[Daydreamer] Hardcore
[Bitch/Asshole] I can be crabby from time to time
[Sarcastic] Not particularly
[Shy] extremely (I hide it well, but inside, people terrify me)
[Talkative] Usually

Gone

Ian left this morning for L.A. and I am pleased to let you all know that I did not disgrace myself at the airport by bursting into tears. No sir. The non english speaking Asian couple and their elderly mother who were in the elevator of the parkade however were a tad bit horrified when I started crying...no noisy sobbing mind you, just lots of tears. The old lady even patted my shoulder.

Today has been pretty bad, Mary is cutting a couple more molars and because we had to wake her early to get Ian to the airport she was very crabby. We did have some fun this afternoon though. I would chase her around the house groaning loudly and stomping my feet (I know, I know), and she would stagger away from me as quickly as she could, laughing like crazy. Eventually she would be so overcome that she would have to just stand there belly laughing, and then I would scoop her up in my arms and kiss her belly till she squealed. Then, we would do it all over again. She could have done this all day long, but eventually Mummy got tired, and then the waterworks started. She cried and cried, and at 5:30 she sobbed herself to sleep in my arms. It's going to be a long night and an early morning, I suspect.

So, I still haven't heard from Ian. he promised me he would call me as soon as he got into his hotel room. I'm a real worry wart and he knows it, so he ought to call me. It's been almost 12 hours since his flight left, how long does it take to get to California anyways??

Oh, I need help! (Yeah yeah, in more ways than one). I don't know what to eat now that Ian is gone. I'm not a great cook, but I'm okay. My problem is that I can cook for two adults, and Ian always eats leftovers. How on earth do I cook healthy meals for just me and the baby? Does anyone have any recipes or advice on how to cook for one? I hate hate hate leftovers which is also a problem for me. Anyways, any tips would be much appreciated!

Starship Troopers

So, last night Ian rented the movie "Starship Troopers" for me to watch, as I had not seen it, and he likes it. I really had no desire to see it, to be honest, but once it started, I was glued to the telly with a mixture of horror and amusement. You see, in this movie I see the future of the USA if not the world if countries and the UN continue to follow blindly along. Some points:

1) In the movie, only "citizens" may vote.
2) To be a citizen, you must have served in the military in some way.
3) "Every major problem humanity has faced has been solved through violence" is a quote from the movie.
4) The propaganda shots were scarily reminiscent of recruiting advertisements that I have seen.

Anyways, I enjoyed the film, but it scared me a little on an "oh my God, that's the future" sort of way.

We also watched "Kingdom of Heaven," which surprisingly, was fantastic, I though. I'm sure that if I knew a little more about history there may have been some things about it that offended me, I'll have to ask some of my more knowledgeable friends about it. Oh, and Orlando was way dreamy.



Less than 24 hours till Ian leaves now.

(Occasional) Friday Baby Blogging

 

I'm not sure if I've shown y'all this before or not, but here is a picture of Mary entertaining herself and the cats. They all love this game!

In other news...we went out for East Indian food tonight with Anne R. Key and friends, it was lovely, but for the screaming infant that someone brought to the restaurant and inflicted on all us diners. Oh wait, that was us. Oh well, she's so often good, I guess we can handle a bad night now and then. 

What Social Conscience??

Well, we finally know! Ian leaves on Sunday morning, and apparently, will only be gone for 3 and a half weeks now. I will believe nothing until I see it, though, things change around that place like...er...something that changes a lot. They are chimerical, ever changing, chaotic, whatever else. I'm glad we know when he leaves now though, it does make it a little easier to prepare.

Yesterday Ian and I decided that we needed to get out of the house and piss away just a little bit of our prosperity, so, I swallowed my new social conscience, and we drove across town to the South Edmonton Common Walmart. What an adventure! I had a bit of a headache when we left, but I figured I was just hungry. Anyways, after picking up some cheap Huggies, even cheaper kitty litter and some odds and ends, we headed to the check out. Why, oh why does Walmart never have enough tellers? No matter how many people are in the store, they never have enough tellers. So we waited in line for about 20 minutes. By time we got to the teller (useless tool that he was) I started to feel...shivery. My skin started to crawl as we walked out the door, and my headache got worse.

But I'm a trooper, I am, and we headed off to East Side Mario's. What a mistake. We waited for a table, waited for service, requested that Marys meal come NOW! Good God man! If we don't feed her now! She'll attack the other patrons! The server smiled serenely and promised that he would put a rush on the baby's pasta. Fifteen minutes later he appeared with bread, soup and salad for us. Mary devoured several pieces of bread and meatballs from the soup. Fifteen minutes after that the waiter appeared again and asked us if we wanted more. We said yes. Five minutes later more soup appeared, but my salad did not. Alak alas. Ten minutes later cold pasta was placed in front of us. By this point my skin was protesting the fact that my clothing was touching it. Mary ate more of her meal than I did of mine. By time we got home my teeth were chattering, I was soaked in sweat, all my joints ached like billy-oh and my skin was crawling like mad. Mary had a bad fever on Monday and Tuesday nights, I thought she was teething, but apparently she was not, and she passed on whatever fun bug she was fighting off to me. That's okay though, I feel better today.

I guess that's what I get for going to Walmart, eh?

Prosperity Abounds

Well, they finally arrived, our cheques from King Ralph. Yay! I checked the mail about a hundred times yesterday (a little obsessive, I know) and was saddened every time to find an empty box. Sigh. Little did I know that our mail person was running behind and didn't deliver the mail till about 7 in the evening. Yeesh. Ian was a little freaked out by the person in dark clothing skulking around the house, especially since the mail carriers go to our back door to deliver our neighbours mail over the fence. Anyways, we have our cheques, and they are mostly already spent.

Mary's $400 will be put in an RESP for her, I just have to call the money guy and get him to set it up (see! not beer and popcorn but savings for her future! who'd have guessed it?!). I'm looking forward to getting that set up so I can start depositing her family allowance or child tax credit or whatever they are calling it now a days into the RESP for her. My $400 will be spent on fabric! Beautiful fabric! I need to sew an Arthurian gown and a Victorian/Alice in Wonderland dress in the next couple of months. Yikes. I am not the best seamstress, so I've kind of left this a little late. When I made my Elizabethan gown it took me several months, and I'm still not pleased with the way it turned out. It's lovely, but I do wish I had done some things a little differently. What is left over is going to sit in our bank account, a little bit of padding just in case, possibly we will pay a bill or two with it. I'd like to get a decent couch that is comfortable to sit on, but that is up to Ian, I guess.

Speaking if Ian, we STILL don't know when he is leaving. Some time between today and Sunday. We don't know anything other than the job starts on Feb 6th, so they have to be out there before then. It's incredibly frustrating, not knowing. I can't really plan for anything, or prepare myself. Who knows, maybe they will call him tonight and tell him that his flight leaves tomorrow morning. Which would be tragic, because they sent him to Lloyd today, so he couldn't pick up his passport.

My poor baby is sick, or something. I am enjoying all the cuddles and snuggles, but she is just not happy at all, poor little thing. I suspect it is a combination between teething and a reaction from her vaccines 4 weeks ago. Last night she had a high fever, and she snuggled up on my chest and fell asleep. She hasn't done that in ages now, it was nice for me at the very least.

Winterific Blogstravaganza

In December, or was it November, I joined in with a group of other bloging gals for a gift exchange. It was so much fun and exciting, and I need to post about the gift that I received.

My gift arrived early, and it sat on my table taunting me..."open me...open me..." it said to me every day. I fought the temptation, and managed to open it only one day early, on December 31st, with the excuse that we would be out of the house all day the next day, and Mary was opening gifts, so I ought to also.

I was absolutely thrilled with what I found in the box. If this person had known me for years she could not have done better. Here's a picture:



A beautiful green and purple scarf, a notepad to live beside the phone, some yummy vanilla flavoured candles, a beautiful picture frame into which I immediately put a picture of Miss Mary, and my favorite, the magnet:



Anyways, I was so eager to find out who my mystery santa was, and on January 14th, I did, and I must say, I was thrilled. My gift was sent by Jen, over at MUBAR. I stumbled across her blog shortly before her baby boy "The Dude" was born, and I have enjoyed reading it ever since. She is a fabulous writer, whether she is discussing feminism, the "mummy wars" or what she bought on line, and I wish I had her skill and talent. I admire her not only for her writing, but for her honesty in discussing politics, her difficulties and joys in being the mum of two great kids, and her sense of fun that comes across in nearly everything she writes.

Who knew?

I had no idea that Muslims discussed this sort of thing. Anal sex, masturbation, kissing, oral sex....it's all covered. Here's an article outlining some of the discussion.


One of these days I will post something that's longer than a paragraph, and not a link. I promise.

Mr. Harper, the Robot

Wow. So, they just showed Mr. Harper and his handlers walking his kids to school today, and I have to say, that man never relaxes. Instead of giving his kids a hug or kiss goodbye, he shook their hands. He shook his 7 year old daughters hand. So. Totally. Weird. It's really not my place to judge his relationship with his kids, but he was just so stiff and formal, and it was so obviously set up for the media it just made me shake my head.

Why am I watching the news anyways? Didn't I make a vow to stop watching this crap? Damn it.

Fox News: A Reliable Source of Information

Ha Ha. Yeah right. You have to take a look at this. All you really need to read is the headline, and that really says it all.

Huh

Well, it's done. Stephen Harper is the new Prime Minister of Canada. I always said that if that ever happened I would move to England, but Mr. Blair isn't much better, is he? Anne has compiled a list of things that Mr. Harper has actually said in public at one time or another, check it out if you want to be horrified.

I just can't express my disappointment in my fellow Canadians right now. I'm extremely worried about where a Tory/Bloq alliance will take this country. No where good.

Groovy New Feelings

Hah. So, to keep your minds off the fact that Mr. Harper may be winning a majority today, check this out. Seriously. Check it out, and let me know what you think!

Oh, Ian got back to Edmonton around midnight on Saturday night, but it looks likely that he will be spending much of this week and weekend in Calgary. Yay.

I got tagged!

Tagged by NeetsirK

Four jobs you have had in your life:

1. Mama
2. Receptionist at a veterinary hospital
3. Returns clerk for a veterinary supply warehouse
4. Labour at a government run tree farm

Four movies you would watch over and over again:

1. Moulin Rouge
2. Chicago
3. Serenity
4. Pirates of the Carribian

Four places you have lived:

1. Regina
2. Weyburn
3. Edmonton
4. Um, more Edmonton

Four T.V. shows you love to watch:

1. ER
2. Greys Anatomy
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Iron Chef

Four places you have been on vacation:

1. England
2. Vancouver
3. Niagra Falls
4. The Okanogan

Four web-sites I visit daily:

1. The Order of the Stick
2. Cats in Sinks - It's all about cats. In sinks.
3. Urban Dead - I swear to God, this game is taking over my life. I dream about Zombies
4. Too many Blogs to name here

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Rare Steak
2. Baked potatoes with lots of sour cream
3. Sour cherry pie (but it's gotta actually be sour)
4. Creme Brulee

Four places I'd rather be right now:

1. England
2. The Okanogan
3. Vancouver
4. Africa

Four bloggers I am tagging:

Now, I don't generally tag people, but if anyone wants to participate, please do!

Belated Friday Baby Blogging

 


Yes, that is a pair of underwear around her neck, in case you were wondering. She loves to dig through the dirty laundry and pull out Ian or my underwear to put around her neck. Time to invest in a covered hamper, methinks. 

Sometimes I feel so good I gotta scream

Ian is going out of town tomorrow. Yes, that's right, tomorrow. For the weekend, maybe longer. Can you tell how thrilled I am that he is going to Lloyd two weeks before he is off to California for 15 weeks?

Money, Money, Money

Well, it's officially official, Mary is official. We got her Social Insurance Number in the mail today, and they even fit her full name on the card! Wow. I didn't really want to get her registered witht he government so early, but unfortunately, you need a SIN number to get an RESP.

Last night we had a meeting with our money man, Ed, and he taught me a whole bunch about RESP's. Did you know that the Canadian government will match 20% of what you contribute to your child's RESP up to $400/year? That sounds great, but it really complicates things. Because the government contributes there are all sorts of rules about what the money that you save can be used for. For instance, if Mary wanted to go into a trade, nope, can't use the RESP. If she wanted to go to school part time, nope, can't use it for that either. If she wants to use the money to go tour Europe instead of going to school, well, that isn't allowed either. We can access our money for those things, but there are many hoops to be jumped through, and the government must be paid back. The only thing that is acceptable is full time post-secondary at a government approved institution. Interesting.

The sleeping issues seem to have resolved as quickly and out of the blue as they developed. I don't want to jinx myself though, so I'll just say that we have all been sleeping better the last few days.

I still need to post about the Fantabulous Christmas Blogstravaganza, but my giftee still does not have her gift (god damnit!), and I want to wait till I'm sure she has her gift before saying anything. Canada Post assures me she will have it by the weekend.

Well I found a place, it's dark and it's rotted

Dear Internet,

Please, help! I'm at my wits end! Last night was better, a little better, but bed time was still a nightmare. I kept Mary up quite a bit yesterday, I only allowed her an hour and a half for naptime (she only naps once a day). I stuffed her full of food so she wouldn't wake up hungry. Ian kept her up quite late last night also, till about 8:30. She was tired. She was so freaking tired. But when we put her in bed, she screamed. She wouldn't take her bedtime bottle, she just screamed and screamed. It wasn't the fussy, crabby scream. It was the "Oh my God, I've been abandoned, someone killed my cats and my toenails are being torn out one by one" scream. I finally got her to sleep in my arms by cuddling her, I held her while I gave her the bottle which she really wanted, but wouldn't take in her bed like she usually does. She went to bed at about 10:30, screamed for 10 minutes and finally fell asleep.

So, here is my question. What would cause a baby to act like this? For the first year of her life she slept like an angel. Is it even possible for a one year old to be afraid of the dark? She has a night light, always has, but I just dont know. Could it be separation anxiety rearing it's ugly head? What is she so afraid of at night in her bedroom? Nothing's changed in there at all. Sigh. I'm just totally stumped by the whole production.

I do still have to post about the Christmas Blogstravaganza soon. This afternoon or evening if I get a chance.

but that's when the hornets stung me, and I had a feverish dream

Actually, I haven't been dreaming, feverishly or not. You know why? Because my baby, my beautiful, smart, lovable baby who has slept through the night since she was 5 weeks old...she's changed her mind. no more sleeping through the night. As a matter of fact, sleeping at all is for chumps! The last several nights have gone like this:

8 pm - tired, goes to bed, sleeps.
9pm - wakes up screaming, Mummy comforts her.
10 to 10:30 pm - very tired, goes to bed with a song and a bottle of warm milk.
11:30 - wakes up screaming like her fingernails are being pulled out. Poopy diaper. Mummy changes the diaper, cuddles and sings.
Midnight - goes to bed.
1 am - wakes up screaming, Daddy snores softly, Mummy grits her teeth and ignores it.
1:30 am - still screaming.
2 am - still screaming, Daddy still snoring, Mummy sobs softly and gets out of bed.
2:15 - done with cuddling, wants down to play. Mummy puts back into crib.
2:16 - screams so hard that she chokes.
2:17 - Mummy kicks daddy so hard that he chokes.
2:30 - Mummy gets up again, and puts baby on the floor. Baby is happy.
3:30 - Mummy puts her back into bed with yet another warm bottle of milk. Resolves to ignore the screaming this time.
3:45 - screaming.
4:00 - screaming stops.
4:05 - starts talking to herself. "Aaaaaaooo. Cat! Hi! HI! Ooooooh" Talks in 10 minute intervals, then pauses, giving Mummy time to doze a little before jolting her awake with more talking and shouts.
5 am - silence.
6:30 - Daddy's alarm goes off, waking Mummy up.
9 am - baby wakes and chats cheerfully in the bed till her loving mother comes to get her up for the day.

What the hell? What have I done to deserve such torture? And you know what drives me craziest of the whole thing?? Ian. He sleeps so peacefully through it all. How can he not hear her howling? I don't understand.

Anyways, in other news, I am feverishly trying to find Ian a job that pays half decently. The California thing is a definite yes, and I am definitely not dealing with it well. I don't know how I will be able to handle it. Yes, I do most of the child rearing work anyways, but Ian helps a good deal, and you know, I need a break from time to time. Yes, I know that you've heard this all before, but really, it's all I think about now. It's the reason that even when the baby isn't pulling her late night shenanigans, I'm still not sleeping. Less than 2 weeks till he's gone now. 15 weeks is a long time.

It would be easier if we had family here, really it would. Our friends are fantastic, but they have lives of their own, and very few of them have children. The one couple that has a baby is dealing with their own problems. To be honest, I'm just not comfortable leaning on people. I'm sure that most of my friends would be happy to keep Mary and I company, but I am just not comfortable asking/expecting that from them. I suspect that I'll be spending a good deal of time in Regina with my dad and his wife. It may send me right off the edge, but at least I won't be alone.

I can make you scared, if you want me too...

My baby may be brilliant, but she is definately not going to be a techie. Electronic toys are downright scary, and always have been. She would rather play with the cats, or have some blocks and a bucket, or maybe a toy that she can pull on a string. It started with the flying saucer of doom when she was about 6 months. It was a neat bowl shaped thing that would spin and light up if she bumped it. It did not go over well. For Christmas she got an electronic piano, which she had no problems with if it just did its piano thing, but it has this one button, the button of terror. When the button is pushed the piano launches into its own rendition of...well...songs, and the teddybears on top dance madly. Terrifying. Mary also got one of those books that have buttons on the side that you push and they make noises or say things, you know what I'm trying to describe here, right? Anyways, that book has sat quietly on her bookshelf until this morning, when she accidentally stepped on it. The first time it made noise she looked around in horror to find out where the voice was coming from. The second time her face crumpled and she screamed in abject terror. Now the scream of abject terror is very different from the siren of frustration, and it makes my heart leap into my throat and tears come to my eyes, much like the howl of pain. Anyways, I put the book away and picked up my sobbing daugheter, who then clung to me like a little monkey for about 45 minutes. She calmed down after about 5, but every time I tried to put her down she whimpered in fear and tried to choke me. I finally coaxed her down with a cookie and some vanilla yogurt for breakfast.

Oh, and by the way, the title for this entry is from another Tragically Hip song, "Scared." I think I will see how many blog entries I can title with appropriate Hip lyrics.

Don't tell me what the poets are doing, those Himalayas of the mind.

I just have to say one thing. The other day, Ian and I went shopping (mostly window shopping, we're broke) and I found the new two disk Tragically Hip greatest hits album for $13.99. $13.99!! Can you believe it?? I couldn't. Although we were broke, I turned on the siren of frustration till Ian gave in and let me buy it. I've been listening to nothing else since, and I'm still not sick of it. I LOVE the Hip, I must say. Ever since I grew out of that nasty New Kids on the Block phase I went through, the Hip have been my constant companions, and I've seen them live several times. This new album has all my favourites, plus some of the newer stuff that I haven't had a chance to fall in love with, hence the name "Yer Favourites."

Oh! Also! My baby is so smart! Today I was cuddling her (mostly against her will) and I mentioned something about having an itchy nose...so she shoved her finger up my nose. I was curious about it, so I said "Mary, where is Mummy's nose?" and she did it again. Then I asked her about my eyes, ears, mouth, and nose again, and she pointed to all of them! Where did she learn that? Not from me, I've been too busy singing along with the Hip and playing Urban Dead online to spend any time with my child.

Friday Baby Blogging

 


It's time to start this up again, I think. 

The Sound of Frustration

Mary makes this noise when she's frustrated. I can only describe it as "shrieking siren." Since she is often, almost constantly, frustrated these days I am getting close to gouging out my eardrums with a pencil so I don't have to hear it anymore. She shrieks when she's hungry, when she's not hungry, when I take something away, when I give her something, when I pick her up, when I put her down. This morning she was howling away in the other room and I went to check up on her. She was sitting on a blanket, and yelling, no, shrieking at it because she wanted to pick it up. Nggh. Constantly frustrated. She also does the "limp, wet noodle" move. When she's doing something naughty, and I pick her up, she arches her back, screeches, lifts up her arms above her head and then goes completely limp. Try holding on to 23 pounds of limp noodle.

Really, it isn't that bad. Most of the time she's actually quite happy and a joy to be around. Yesterday her favorite toy was a pair of Ians underwear that she dug out of the laundry basket and hung around her neck. She was so proud of them, and no matter how hard I tried to hid them, she dug them out again and came marching proudly into the living room with her head through the leg hole. Unfortunately today she's discovered my brassiere. Cute.

Anyways, I'm getting close to making the siren shriek of frustration myself here. Ians work is really starting to drive me crazy. I'd really like to know what is going on. The latest rumour is that they are not going to California after all, but this is just rumour that he heard from one of his coworkers. The problem is that most of the information that gets shared with the guys is done at lunch. Ian doesn't go out for lunch every single day, he brings his own (cheaper, you understand) so he misses out on everything. He is going to corner the foreman and find out exactly what the hell is happening today. I will be most pleased if he does not end up going to the states for 15 weeks, but I am concerned that he won't have a job come February, which would be even more catastrophic.

De-Lurk

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. This week is apparantly delurking week, so, if you read my little blog, comment and say hi!

So...Confused...

I have a question. What does it say about your countries value system when they won't show the film Brokeback Mountain because it's offensive (??) but they happily play a film that delights in having the most gratuitous violence and gore to date (The Hostel)? Seriously. I mean, I will happily admit that Brokeback Mountain doesn't appeal to me all that much, but not because I find it offensive. The Hostel, however, strikes me as extremely offensive, but I won't argue with your right to immerse yourself in that tripe, if it's your thing.

Here is a bit of a review that was in New York Times -

Inspired by the brutal exploitation pictures of the 1970's and the nasty new breed of Asian horror films, "Hostel" is motivated by an adolescent urge to shock. And while it's true that no civilized person will remain unscathed by the film's relentless bigotry - this is one of the most misogynistic films ever made - Mr. Roth's gory spectacles are too calculated to deliver the transgressive jolts they so obviously seek.

Huh. And somehow bigotry, misogyny and senseless violence is so much more acceptable and less offensive than a love story between two cowboys.

Caught in the act of...something... 

The cats like the chair too. 

The Chair

 

Here she is enjoying her new chair. I really hope that now that she has her own chair she will stop climbing up onto the couch. 

Well, my mood isn't much better today than it was Saturday. I'm not coping well (that's a phrase I learned from all the mental health folk that harassed me after Mary was born) with the idea of Ian going away. I feel bad for him, really. I don't mean to take it out on him, but I am. I'm moody, and mean until I catch myself. I know he doesn't want to go away, but he's all together too excited about the whole thing for my liking.

Saturday night, however, was fabulous. Paradise Lost went very well, full of misery and angst for me. I got to act out one of my characters symptoms because of the intense misery. Even with the personal issues, the game as a whole was more peaceful than any of the other games yet. The Divine had a meeting and unofficially adopted the motto "Building Bridges with the Infernal," and we really did try. After the game we all went out to BP's for geeking and chat, which was so much fun. I don't get out with that group of friends as often as I wish I did, so I really value the one Saturday night a month that I do get. I'll have to figure things out so that I can still attend when Ian is far far away.

We finally picked up Mary's birthday present last night. We got her a little plastic easy chair with a plaid cushion. It's not exactly what I had wanted, but everything else was branded with one Disney character or another, and I really didn't want that. Anyways, we put it together last night(it was tough, velcro the cushion to the plastic), and when she discovered it this morning she was in heaven. She sits on it and kicks her feet like crazy, then she stands up and shouts at me in delight, then she sits back down. The only time she left the chair was to grab a toy to drag over to the chair, and to eat her breakfast. I'm glad it's such a hit.

Single Parenthood

Yesterday was brutal. Mary clung to me, every minute of the day. I had to be holding her every second, or she screamed and cried. I tried to enjoy it, she's never been overly cuddly and I miss holding my baby sometimes, but christ. She's 23 pounts, and let me tell you, 23 pounds of limp, sobbing, dead weight baby is hard on your arms. She's still sick today, but the morning is going much better than yesterday morning, so I have hope that today will be a bit better.

We got the official word on Ians work yesterday. He will not be going to Arizona, he's going to southern California. He'll be leaving on February 4th. The job is 15 weeks. That is just under 4 months. 4 months. Let me say it again, Four. Months. He has the option of coming home for a week after he has been there for 3 weeks, but he has to pay for his own plane tickets here and back, which we will likely not be able to afford. I'm trying to be supportive, he's optimistic and excited, but all I want to do is cry. I guess it would be different if either of us had family here, but we don't. Yes, we have fantastic friends, but no matter how good of friends they are, they arent parents. I can't expect my friends to look after me the way my Mum or Dad would, or even Ian's Mum. I guess I can't complain that much. I was the one who pushed him to leave the Lube place, I was the one who found him this job, I'm the one who wants to stay home with the baby. I just don't know if I can do this. Some days I need a break from Mary by time Ian gets home after 10 hours, how am I going to do it by myself for 15 weeks?

Ian says that after this job, he will be working locally in Alberta for a few months, and then in the fall they will be going to Hawaii for another job. My Aunt and Uncle have 2 (2!!) condo's in Hawaii, so if we can swing it, Mary and I might go with him and stay in one of their places. Even if we arent on the same island, I'm not letting Ian go to Hawaii without me.

Anyways, I'm trying not to let this news drag me down, but so far, I'm not having much luck. It's a good thing that this happened after Mary's vaccines, or when the nurse asked me all those probing questions about "Mood," and "How I'm Coping" I might have broken down and been labeled Post-Partum (again). The last thing I need right now is more mental health professionals pretending they care and trying to force drugs down my throat.

Something fun for a crappy day

Your Stipper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails "You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I?ve got no Soul to tell" When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Purr. I won't go into how I feel when I hear that song here...Needless to say, it's the perfect choice.

Self Pity Alert

I'm sick. Again. God damn it. Why am I always sick?? I hate my immune system (or what passes for it anyways). The worst part is that Mary is sick too, again. The snot, the whining, the weeping, the demanding cuddles, then demanding to be put down, then demanding to be picked up...it just never freaking ends. Every noise she makes right now is like someone stabbing needles into my ears, even when she's laughing it hurts. The positve part is that I have the car now, so I can actually make a doctors appointment. I think it's time for that, even though I know what he'll say.

Mary had her MMR and Chickenpox vaccines yesterday, and it was awful, the worst vaccines yet. She screamed bloody murder for about 10 minutes. I had no idea they give those in the arms...her poor skinny little arms. Of course before actually poking her, the nurse filled my brain with all the horrible side effects that these vaccines could cause...encephalitis, thrombocytopenia, febrile seizures. Ugh. Oh, and she sent me home with tonnes of information about speach delay and the like, even though I told her that I'm not worried yet.

The worst part of this week so far has to be the confirmation that Ian is going to be going very far away with work, and likely very soon. I could handle Calgary, or anywhere in Canada really. But this...I'm trying to be supportive, but I'm really scared.

Well, Mary is screaming inconsolably once again, so I must sign off for now.

Birds!

 


The Waxwings have come! Every year around this time huge flocks of Cedar Waxwings decend on Edmonton, and they always come to our yard. This picture is a shot of the Rowan (Mountain Ash) tree in my front yard, and the birds just love it. They sit in the tree, stuffing themselves silly on those orange berries and driving the cats bonkers. Then they crap orange berries all over the car. This morning every tree on my street was full of the birds, and their singing echoed everywhere. I wish I could have gotten a better picture, they really are beautiful birds, but when I went outside they all flew away. The sound of hundreds of wings beating all at once is really quite amazing. I hope they come back soon! 

All about Mary

Today Mary had her one year wellness check with the doctor. It went well, and she doesn't have to go back till she's 3 now. He did say that she was behind in her speach and language skills, but I find that a little hard to believe. He said that she should be able to say more words by now. I thought she was doing alright though. She says Hi!, Cat! (really it's more like Ghat!), Da-ee (Daddy), Dis (This. I think it's a question, she often says it when she finds something she likes, she will come to me, hold whatever it is up in the air, and shout Dis! at me till I respond). Apparantly she should be saying more than that. I don't know a lot of babies her age, but the ones I do know are at about the same level in speach as her, even some who are older than her are about the same. Anyways, I'm not terribly concerned.

Mary started some serious walking this weekend. I no longer count the steps that she takes, she takes so many. She doesn't have a whole lot of control when she walks, she just stands up and heads off in the direction that she's pointed until she runs into some sort of obstacle. She prefers to crawl still, but I'm sure it won't be long before she is walking all the time.

Mary's sleep schedule is all screwed up right now. Sigh. When we were in Regina my Step-Mum kept her so full of sugar that she stayed up past ten every night, and now she seems to think that although the sugar is gone, she still ought to stay up late, and sleep in late. Most parents whose kids get them up at 7am would think that I'm crazy for complaining, but it's really hard to establish a schedule and stick to it, let alone get anything done, when your baby doesn't wake till 11. That and I really enjoy my evening time with Ian after she's gone to bed. The last few nights she's gone to bed around 7:30 or 8, but she treats it like a nap, and is up and ready to go around 10:30. We just ignore her, but we can hear her talking and playing in her crib, usually till midnight. Ugh. Just as I start to doze off I hear "Hi! Hi! HIHIHI!! Cat. CAT! AGAAAAH! Dis? Hi! Daeeee. DAEEEEEE!!! MA. Dis dis dis. EEEEECat! oooooh. oooowooowooowooooooh. Agah." and then her musical bear starts singing. It's hard on my nerves.


She's eating alright. She's just learning about finger foods, which is kind of late, but it was really hard when she had that gluten problem. You don't realise how much wheat and grain we have in our diets till you have someone in your home who can't eat it. I'm so glad that she grew out of that problem. So now, she is learning about cheerio's and cookies, which she loves. It's incredibly funny to watch her eat her cheerios, she will take one in each hand, and instead of just popping them in her mouth, she nibbles at them. She will take a tiny bite of each of them, throw them on the floor, and grab two more. It's extremely messy. She's shown a lot on intrest in her spoons now too, she will grab them out of my hand, and put them in her mouth herself. I generally make sure they're empty when she does it though, I'm not quite prepared for that mess just yet. She loved her birthday cupcakes (of course, Mummy made them from scratch!), but she wouldn't feed them to herself. Anyways, we still have a lot of catching up to do on the whole eating thing, but we are getting there.

Anyways, that's all I can think of that's exciting right now. Yes, my idea of exciting has changed an awful lot since I had a baby, I know.

Paradise Lost is this weekend, and I'm looking forward to that...hmm. What else. Ian is back to work, and it's pretty lonely around here right now. The site that he's working on is winding down, which scares the daylights out of me. When theyre done here, it's likely that he will be going out of town to work. I'm trying very hard to be supportive, I don't want him to feel guilty, but I'm going to miss him quite desperately. I'm not very good at asking for help or inviting myself places either, so hopefully my friends will understand that and not let me rot by myself in the house and go so crazy that I pull out all my hair and gain 300 pounds.

Anyways, I'm back to babysitting today, so I need to get the crabapple into bed for a nap before it's too late.

Happy 2006

Well, it's finally 2006, or should I say, it's already 2006. What a year! I have to say that on a personal and family level, 2005 was the best and happiest year of my life. The coming of Mary was a difficult experience, and the first week of her life was pretty hard....who am I kidding, the first 3 months were incredibly hard. The fact is though, I would do it over again in a heart beat. She has brought so much to my life, and I've been happier that I can ever remember being. 2005 was a year of decisions, of learning and of hardship, but through it all Mary, the cats and Ian brought me comfort and joy. I really feel blessed that I have all of them in my life.

I'm not going to talk about 2005 on a global scale. As far as I'm concerned it was pretty dismal. Between the lingering war in Iraq, hurricanes, record gun violence in Toronto, the vote of non-confidence in the parliament, the aftermath of the tsunami and the return to violence and conflict in Sri Lanka and Indonesia, the huge earthquake in Pakistan and the difficulties there, the fact that for every natural disaster more charlatans and con men come out and attempt (much of the time successfully) to steal money from well meaning folks or the Red Cross, the blindness and ennui of the general populace of the world, let alone the USA towards the atrocities that the Western world are committing, the greed of the western world, and how we choose to help people not because they need help, but because they have something we want (Genocide in Sudan, rigged elections in Ethiopia...why doesn't anyone care? Because all they have is dust and Tef), opposition to giving gays and lesbians the same rights as the rest of us, fundamentalist christians giving the rest of Christianity a very bad name, hyper-sensitivity over terrorism (did I tell you about the 9 month old boy whose family was not allowed to get on a plane to Italy for Christmas because he was on the American governments "no fly list?"). Um. And that is only a start, as far as I can tell. Huh, I guess I did talk about it after all.

Anyways, here is hoping that both on a personal and global scale 2006 is even better than 2005 for all of us.

One Year Ago Today...

After a decent night of dozing, I woke up at about 6:30 or so feeling...strange. I lay there in my bed frowning for a while, before I woke Ian. "I think I need to push" I said, and he said "don't do that!" He called in a nurse, and after a quick check of my cervix she announced that I was 9.5cm dilated, and please don't push just yet. Soon, but not yet. That was not what I wanted to hear. The need to push was becoming overwhelming. After about ten minutes I started crying...not because it hurt, the epideural made sure of that, but because I didn't think I could stop myself from pushing for much longer. Once again Ian called a nurse, and my cervix was checked, and I was told that I could push with the next contraction.

I started pushing, and man, it was hard work. As I pushed, Ian held my hand, and kept me company. My doctor was called. When Doctor Brown came in and checked things out about 45 minutes after I started pushing, he could feel the baby's head, round, and high up. After an hour of pushing, she hadn't budged. After 2 hours of pushing, she hadn't budged. Dr. B. decided that it was time for some intervention.

First they tried the vacuum, which is supposed to be gentler than the forceps. It was a huge suction cup that they apply to the baby's head, and then they yank. Dr. B had the resident do it, and I swear, if the suction had gone suddenly, she would have gone through the wall she was pulling so hard. She yanked for a while, and when they checked....the baby's head was round, and exactly where it had been. By this point there were 3 NICU nurses, 2 Labour and delivery nurses, an Anestheiologist, my Dr., the Resident, and Ian in the room. It was getting crowded.

Obviously the Vacuum was not going to work, so Dr. B pulled out the forceps, held them aloft (I kid you not) and announced "These have saved more lives than penicillin. He wouldn't let the resident use the forceps though, they are a little more tough to handle. As he applied the forceps, I finally felt it...all the way through the drugs, and it hurt. They also had to do the episiotomy at that point.

I don't really remember much of the next 10 or 15 minutes, I was incredibly focused in getting that child out of me. Ian was proud of the help that he did, but I can't remember it at all. Honestly, he could have been making out with the cute nurse in the corner, and I wouldn't have noticed.

Finally Mary Beatrice Elizabeth was born. The NICU nurses grabbed her away from the Dr. to check her out and to clean her up while I was being stitched back together. I think this part was the scariest for me, the baby hadn't made any noise at this point, and one of the nurses came over to tell me that she was shocky, her blood pressure was a little off, and that she had a huge haematoma on the back of her head because of the vacuum. Then the nurse handed me a baby, all swaddled up, and told me that I could hold her for a couple of minutes, and that I should kiss her.

I can't describe the feeling when she finally left my body...after all that work and discomfort, it was worth every second just to see her precious, beat up and bruised little face. I know it's clichee, but I really did love her from the instant I set my eyes on her, and every day, I fall more and more in love. It was hard at first, she spent another week in the Neonatal ICU, and when we first brought her home we didn't know what to do with her, but she's been patient (relatively) and she's taught us everything we need to know.

Happy Birthday, Mistress Mary. I love you more than words can express, and I cannot wait to see what surprises you are going to bring us this year. You are such a joy to me, I cannot imagine life without you.

Happy Birthday Mary! 

Mary and Daddy in the hospital. 

It's hard to believe that she was ever this small. 

Sleeping with Mum during her first week home. 

One Year Ago....

I was still extremely pregnant, still uncomfortable, incredibly miserable, and totally exhausted. After 3 or 4 hours in the jacuzzi, I felt relaxed enough to try to sleep again. Unfortunately during the walk from the jacuzzi back to the induction room, my relaxation left me, and my uterus returned to being irritable.

Now, at this point in my life I was still planning on doing this whole thing drug free (HAH!) and when the nurse suggested morphine for the 10th time, at 4:30 am, I lost it, and started sobbing. The nurse decided to check my cervix to see if anything was actually going on, and unfortunately for me, nothing had changed. I was 2cm dialated, exactly as I had been when I got there on Wednesday afternoon. She suggested morphine again, and I quietly sobbed into my pillow.

Ian appeared about 45 minutes later. The nurse had called him at home and said "She needs a little more support than I am able to give her." I was happy to see him, but so tired and sore that I couldn't do much more than whimper. He told me not to be stupid, take the drugs and get some sleep. So, I told the nurse and she happily gave me a shot in my bottom. I was a much easier patient drugged up, you see, and she was relieved that I had finally given in. I slept for about 2 hours.

I woke up feeling...Not quite as miserable, and looked around the room. Some time during the night, the two remaining women had been taken up to labour and delivery, and I was all alone. They quickly filled the 3 beds with other women desperate to have their babies. I was confident that today would be the day I had mine.

They hooked up the pitocin IV at about 9 am. They would slowly increase the pitocin levels over the day, but the nurse told me that most women never reached the highest level of the drug, they would go into labour long before that. Yay, I thought. I'm going to have this baby!

By mid afternoon, I was up to the maximum levels of pitocin and was still feeling nothing but an irritable uterus. Occasionally they would check my cervix to find it steadfastly holding on to 2 cm. The water broke of the woman across from me. I paced up and down the halls, dragging my iv pole beside me, getting more and more miserable. Another of my room-mates went up to labour and delivery, and I have to admit, I hated her a little bit.

My friend V came to visit for a while, and she provided an excellent diversion. She brought hot Pho, and games to keep my mind off the fact that I was in pain, and still pregnant. She stayed for a few hours, and then left. Shortly after she left, the 3rd woman's water broke, and up she went to have her baby. I was all alone in the room again, and still only 2cm dialated.

At about 8 that night the resident came in, checked me out, sighed and shook her head. The induction room would be closed at 9 for the weekend, so it was time to get this show on the road. She decided that they would take me upstairs, and break my water.

I got into my own (very nice) little room in labour and delivery, settled in, and was promptly abandoned. Ian decided that he would pop home to feed the cats while we waited. There was a cot for him in this room, so we didn't know when he would be home again after things got started.

Ian left, and the Dr. came in about 10 seconds later to break the water. I was sad that Ian wasn't there, and little frightened, but it was probably for the best. The Dr. took this thing...It looked like a crochet hook, and did the deed. No one warned me that it would be as gross as it was. It was like a fountain, and I soaked the poor doctor. I was incredibly embarrassed.

After my water was broken, I began to realize that what I had been feeling since the day before was nothing. This was pain. I curled up on the bed, and whimpered some more. They tell you to breath through it, but I could hardly remember to breathe at all. Ian was gone, and I was in pain and running on 2 hours of sleep since Wednesday morning. I just couldn't handle it.

When Ian got back about half an hour later (it felt a lot longer than that) I told him that I wanted an epideural. So much for the whole natural childbirth thing, eh? Anyways, I told Ian, I told every nurse that I could see, I told my pillow, I told the fetal monitor. I want an epideural. So, finally, one of the nurses when to find the Anesthesiologist.

Dr. Quinn was the name of the man who gave me my epideural. He walked into the room and said "You won't remember any of the other nurses or doctors names you see here, but you'll remember mine, because I'm going to make the pain go away." He was arrogant, but he was correct. The giving of the epideural was an experience that I would rather have not had. I was hot, and shaking and terrified. The nurse draped herself over me to keep me hunched in the right position, and I got claustrophobic. Thank God for Ian telling the nurse to stop touching me! The needle had to be put in several times, apparently my spine has a little wiggle in it or something, and every time he poked me, I had a sharp stabbing pain in my hip. Finally he got it in, and the drugs started to flow. Thank God for those drugs.

After the epideural was placed, things got much better for me. I was tired, and I was able to doze through the night to gather some energy. My blood pressure was taken every 15 minutes, so I didn't sleep well, but at that point, anything was better than nothing, and I was able to sleep till the next morning.

To Be Continued....

One Year Ago...

One year ago today I was pregnant. Very pregnant. Pregnant, uncomfortable, and sick to death of laying down. I had been on bedrest since a jump in my blood pressure on November 19th, and although I had often envied my cats for the life they lead, I didn't want to live life as a cat anymore. I was on the list for induction, but Christmas is a busy time for that sort of thing, and I had been waiting for a phone call since Monday.

The phone rang at 3:00 that afternoon, and it was the hospital. Could I be there before 4:00? If not, then I would have to wait, and who knows when the next chance would be...Probably not till the new year. I said yes, hung up the phone, and called Ian at work. We managed to get to the hospital by about 5 to 4. I was very excited, and very nervous. I was going to be having my baby!

The nurses got me set up in the induction room. There were four beds, and the other three were full, one girl had arrived just before we did. The doctor came, and placed "the gel" to get things started. Things were getting started! yay! Shortly after the gel was placed, I started to feel a little crampy and uncomfortable, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. Ian and I hung around, talked and joked, and tried to ignore the whimpering woman in the bed across from me. The nurses would occasionally pop by to see how we were doing, and one kindly offered me an enema. I declined.

The second application of "the gel" was a few hours later. After that one I really started to feel uncomfortable. I spoke to the nurse, and she told me that my uterus was irritable. Mmhmm. The woman across from me went up to Labour and Delivery. Ian went home at around 9.

By about 11, my irritable uterus was making life quite miserable for me. I was turning into the whimpering woman. I couldn't sleep, every time I started to doze, my belly would cramp up, and I would have to change positions. The nurse strapped on the fetal monitor to see if I was having any real contractions. After about 20 minutes, she cheerily told me that it was just my uterus being irritable. At this point, I started to get irritable. By midnight I was in tears, and by 1 in the morning, I was in the Jacuzzi, where I stayed for about 3 hours.

To Be Continued on the 30th...

We're back!

 

We had a lovely (mostly) Christmas in Regina, and I just had to show you all this picture! The butterfly on her forhead is from a Christmas Cracker. Isn't she beautiful? If you'd like to see more pictures from our Christmas, you can check out Mary's blog.

Hope you all had a good Christmas, I'll post more tomorrow. 

I've fallen in with the ranks of lollybloggers lately, and I'm not really certain why. There is definitely stuff going on in my life, I just haven't the energy or drive to write about them. I think that part of the problem is that I have been reading a whole lot of blogs out there written by people who are writers, journalists, university graduates...I'm feeling a little bit of blog inadequacy. I've never been terribly creative or a very good writer. I won't get into self pity mode (too much) here, but needless to say, I often feel less than bright next to some of my better educated/smarter friends. I've been overcome lately with a bit of malaise for some reason. It's not that I'm unhappy with my life, honestly, I couldn't be happier. I love where my life is right now, but, I guess I'm unhappy with myself. I always wanted to go to school, I'd like a career. It is easier to stay at home though, when I know that all I have to go back too is a 10 dollar an hour dead end job in retail if I'm lucky.

Anyways, enough with the self pity. Mary and I have been having some adventures on the bus (drug deals going down in the seat behind us), with plumbing (giant holes in the wall behind the toilet) and with Santa. We got her picture taken with the Jolly Old Fellow yesterday, and my little diva who plays it up for the camera would not smile. Not even a little. She didn't cry, she wasn't scared, but she was wide eyed and slack jawed. Until the pictures were finished. Then she smiled. Oh well. It's still pretty darned cute. We got a bunch of pictures to give to the grandparents and friends, it cost a bit, but I think it's worth it. It is her first Christmas, she won't have another. Next year will be a little more frugal with the pictures.

You know, when I get all self pitying, I just end up annoying myself. What do I have to feel sorry for myself about, really? I have family, wonderful wonderful friends for whom I am incredibly grateful, a roof over my head, food, a beautiful, healthy baby, a fabulous husband who loves me in spite of my many (a great many) flaws. I live in a fantastic country where I am safe to walk the streets without worrying about bombs, mines or guns.

So, today I read a story about a woman who was on her way to Italy with her family, for the holidays I think. Anyways, the people at the counter would not print up boarding passes because her 9 month old son was on the USA's no fly list. She thought it was funny at first until they told her that there is no way for him to get off of the list. Wow. You can read all about it here if you wish.

This week I've been getting an early start on my New Years Resolution. I hate those things, and hardly every make one, but this is something I've been trying to do for the last year, and I figured now is as good a time as any. I've turned off the T.V. I still watch some, but I'm trying to keep the tube off when Mary is up and about. I watch all together too much telly, and I don't like that Mary watches it too. I generally just keep it on for noise in the house, but I can listen to CBC1 for that, and it'll be better for my brain as well as the baby's, right? If I really do want to better myself, there are things that I can start doing at home to get things started. I'm just so incredibly lazy, it's hard sometimes.

Anyways, I guess I should sign off. We are off to Regina tomorrow (um. yay?) for the holidays, and we will be back on Tuesday afternoon (I think...the 28th, whatever day that is). I may or may not post here, depending on my mood, and whether I can fight the 3 teenagers for a moment on the computer.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas, or a Happy Holiday, whichever holiday you choose to observe, or if you don't choose to observe a holiday at all...well, have a happy one anyways.