My Body Hates Me

And I have to say, the feeling is becoming mutual.

The weekend started off okay. I babysat for Jonah on both Friday and Saturday nights so that his Mum and Dad could go to christmas parties. It was okay, Mary and Jonah had fun racing around like maniacs together, they both went to bed very well, and Ian and I watched movies till Trevor and Nadine got home.

We had a lot to do on Sunday, it's Ians only day off, and since the car problems it is the only day I have access to the car. We need groceries, baking supplies and I still have to get a gift for the gift exchange that's coming up this Saturday. So that was the plan when we woke up, before I realized that once again I was bleeding like crazy. So, instead of going shopping, I called my Dr. (I have his pager number now) and he sent me in to the hospital. Thankfully I didn't have to spend any time at all in the ER because of the call. The Doctor there checked things out, and decided to admit me. So, I spent all day Sunday and all day Monday hanging around the hospital. I was supposed to get an IV, but after the first attempt, all the nurses were afraid of my awful little veins and it never happened. I was told that I would have an ultrasound on Monday morning, so I sat around my room till they finally came for me at 2:30 in the afternoon. The U/S was good, baby is still in there alive and kicking, but so is the "bleed" which no one can explain. I finally got home on Monday afternoon at 4 after being told that there was nothing to be done, and to just carry on. Sigh.

Tuesday I babysat Jonah again. I wasn't feeling well, but I packed Mary up and headed for the bus. I hate taking the bus. When we got to Jonahs place, I promptly fainted, terrifying poor Nadine. My fainting spells are really horrid experiences, and now that I finally have a witness other than Mary, I'm a little worried that it's more than fainting. From what I experience, I get this horrid strong sense of deja vu. Wherever I am, the bus stop, my bedroom, wherever, suddenly becomes a terrifying place, everything in it menacing. At this point I know what is going to happen, so I can usually stumble over to somewhere like the couch or the bed, so when I fall I won't hurt myself. Then my ears start roaring, and blackness washes in from the sides of my vision. When I wake up, I'm confused and frightened, and the sides of my tongue always hurt from being bitten. Nadine called me this morning and said that when it happened at her place my eyes rolled back in my head, I started moaning, and my arms and jaw went really rigid. Then right before I came too, I started jerking a bit before opening my eyes (poor woman, no wonder she looked so frightened). I thought I had hit my head, but according to her I didn't, I just sat down in the chair, smiled, said something in response to her, and then wen't all weird.

So, I'm trying not to freak out, but I'm really getting worried about things. What the hell is going on with my body anyways? I almost wish that I would just miscarry and get over with it, and then, when I think that, I'm overcome with guilt. I just don't know what to do. I've decided not to bother the doctor if I start bleeding again (which I did last night), not until I'm bleeding really badly. There just seems to be no point in spending all that time in the hospital just to get a shrug from the doctors.

Now I have a whole lot to do before Saturday. I'm doing a cookie exchange Saturday afternoon, and I still have to get a gift for the party that evening. We still have a couple of Christmas gifts to get for Mary, and I still haven't even started Christmas cards. I suspect that no one will be getting cards from us this year, which really annoys me.