Wednesday, November 29, 2006

It's my blog and I'll whine if I want too...

First, thank you to everyone who sent us well wishes after my last post, both personal and in the comments. Although I've not gotten back to anyone yet due to extreme business, we really do appreciate the thoughts.

First, good news. I am still pregnant, and the baby is still alive. The doctor I saw yesterday checked things out, listened to the heartbeat, and said that he thinks things are going well. He said that there is still a 1/3 chance that I may miscarry, but he also said that if I make it too the weekend without that happening that I will be out of the woods for now. I do know that I'm going to be awfully paranoid and nervous for the rest of this pregnancy, until the minute I have a healthy fully grown baby in my arms.

Other than that, things are going exceedingly poorly. Our house is falling apart and we are a heartbeat away from bankruptcy (literally). Ian recently bought a little car from a friend for our second vehicle, and because we can't manage the payments on the Taurus anymore. We were planning on giving up the good car, and moving down to one. Today the little white car died while Ian was driving to work. It turns out that the morons at his second job (a place where he worked as a manager for several years before going into construction) forgot to replace the oil cap when they topped up the oil for him. There's no oil at all in the engine, and if you know anything about cars, even if it's as little as what I know, you know that's a Very Bad Thing. So, now we are back down to one car which we can't afford, but if we loose it then Ian can't get to work, not to mention that things like groceries or trips to Regina will be incredibly dificult.

I mentioned that the house is falling apart, and I mentioned a while back that I spend my nights thinking about how wonderful it would be to burn the bloody thing down (of course I won't), but I don't think I've mentioned why it's so bad. I'll start at the top.

Windows - Ancient and drafty
Floors - ancient and ugly.
Walls (living room) - Okay, but cracked and ugly. Faux fire place in living room loosing all it's hideous plaster bricks to expose the nasty cinderblocks beneath.

Bathroom - Oh, this is good. Paint on the ceiling is cracked and gross, and full of mold. Same for the walls, mouldy. Giant hole in the wall behind the toilet from last years plumbing fun covered up by bristleboard, plastic and duct tape. Floor rotten from several years of water leakage. Sink old and taps drip. Nasty teal plastic tile coming away from the wall. Cold water tap in the bathtub does not work at all, it is either off, or runs all the time - we can't replace it because the fixtures are all so old that nothing new will fit without re-doing the entire tub.

Kitchen - Same problem with the nasty teal tiles. Shitty lino job peeling up. Taps leak constantly. The kitchen is the size of a closet.

Basement - Crack in foundation leaks. Cement floor seriously water damaged. The other day I went into the suite area which we were thinking of moving down too so we have more space in the house, but the walls in the bedroom are black with mold and mildew.

What I described is just the tip of the iceberg too, I'm sure there's more that I've either blocked out or we haven't found yet.

Selling and moving to a different, cheaper, easier to live in market is becoming more and more appealing. Moving closer to family is becoming tempting. Selling this dump and doing what we can with what we get, somewhere that it isn't horrendeously expensive is something we talk about all the time. My father is determined to get us to move to Regina, and the more he talks about it, the more sense he makes. We could sell this hole for about 120K, and buy something bigger, newer and nicer for the same in Regina. Not to mention that things are cheaper there, and we would have free babysitting. I would hate to leave Edmonton, I love this city, I love the way it feels, the way it looks, everything it has. I love my friends and would be lost without them....but we just can't afford to live here anymore, and with the way the housing market is, we will never get ourselves out of this little dump.

Sigh. So, that's a bit of what's on my mind now. Sorry for being depressing and self pitying and all that, but if I can't do it on my blog, then where can I?

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Weekend Update

What an unpleasant weekend. Well, not all of it was that bad.

Friday Ian came home early, and he, Mary and I all got in the car and headed off to the OB/GYN. My Dr checked me out, and came to the conclusion that I have an inner ear problem called Meniere's Disease (which has been suggested to me in the past). He's in the process of getting me to see and ENT specialist, and there isn't much to do until I get that appointment.

Friday night was Purgatory. Ian and I dropped Mary off at Ravens place for the evening, and headed off through the snow and ice to the south side of the city. We stopped at Quizno's for subs for supper, and somehow the keys got locked inside the running car. Fun. After a great deal of effort and freezing coldness, along with some help from a friendly plumber, we got into the car with a minimum of damage, and made our happy way to the game.

Purgatory was fantastastic, as expected. V & I put on a fantastic version of the Christmas Carrol at the very beginning of the night which had everyone splitting their sides laughing. The evening progressed to be interesting, busy and fun for just about everyone.

Saturday I spent with Mary, cleaning up the living room and just hanging out. Saturday night was Crown of Thorns, the Arthurian game, and I was quite pumped to go. I had some inkling that some of my evil plans are coming unravelled, and I was looking forward to seing how things would work. Again there was a hilarious play put on at the begining of the night, this one a satire and mockery of the knights and kings of Arthurs court. After the play, the game itself got going. I had a quiet while, just talking and thinking and generally being quietly evil, when my body decided to betray me, luckily Mary was spending the night with Ians cousins.

You see, my body apparantly decided that what my weekend was missing was a miscarrige and several hours in the hospital. I stood up at one point in the night, and felt and heard a splash on the floor between my feet, along with a decided wetness along the insides of my thighs. I quietly and calmly made my way through the darkened room to the bathroom, hoping that no one would notice the trail I was leaving. Ian quickly came and found me sitting on the toilet and crying. After I gathered my nerves together and Ian cleaned up the mess I had left behind, we headed off for the Royal Alexandra hospital.

We arrived at the hospital, checked in, and took our seats in the waiting room. The Royal Alex, for those of you who do not know, is not in the nicest part of town. It is an inner city hospital, and there tends to be a more unsavoury element that spends their time there. Anyways, we took a seat, tried not to stare at the bleeding snoring drunks, or at the poor 20 something man who had decided to walk from one end of the city to the other in -25 degree weather with only his running shoes. We learned later that his feet were frozen solid all the way to his ankles. He spend the 3 hours he was in the waiting room bawling like a baby, it was all I could do not to go over and mother the poor bastard.

We were short-listed to see a doctor, which meant that we only had to wait 5 hours in the waiting room. I am so glad that we pay for health care in this province, it certainly seems to help. Anyways, at about 2 am, I nearly went home to loose my baby somewhere comfortable, but the nurse convinced me to stay. When the doctor came, he ordered a tonne of blood tests, iv fluids, an internal exam, and eventually an ultrasound. By time he decided on the ultrasound, it was 4 in the morning, so he told us to stay, as the U/S would be booked for "first thing in the morning." Early morning, mid morning, and late morning passed, and I was finally taken to have the u/s done at noon.

The ultrasound was surprising. There was a baby in there, alive and kicking, little heart pumping. The placenta is where it ought to be, the baby looks fine, if a little stressed. The problem is that there was a great deal of bleeding inside of the baby's sack, which is why I am still bleeding. When I was finally discharged, the doctor told me that I am experiencing a "threatened miscarriage." Basically, things could get better, or they could get worse and I could loose the baby. No one knows which way it will go, no one can change the outcome.

So, we wait, and we hope for the best while trying to prepare ourselves for the worst. The doctor told me that there is no reason why I can't continue to do what I do in day to day life, though he did suggest I take it easy for the next few days. If this is a miscarriage it will happen whether I am lying down or standing up. It's almost worse now, by time I went up for the u/s I had resigned myself to the fact that I'd lost the baby, but now I've seen it. If this is a miscarriage, it will be so much harder now that I've actually seen a living baby in my belly.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Falling Down

Not much to talk about here. The last two days I have been falling down a lot. I'm not sure why, I've often had problems with fainting in the past, but this is kind of extreme. I fainted twice yesterday, and already three times today. I called my doctors office and spoke with his nurse, and she was concerned enough to cram me in to the schedule for tomorrow afternoon. I believe I shall insist that Ian come home early from work tomorrow though, I don't trust myself to drive right now as the dizzyness is almost constant, and the fainting is bad, would be worse if it were to happen behind the wheel.

Mary is dealing with her fainting mother quite well. I wake up sprawled on the floor, couch or bed, with Mary staring at me. Once I figure out who I am and where I am, which takes a while, she grins, says "HI!" and demands a cookie. Heartless child. Thankfully I've not fallen on her, or while holding her, though it is a concern if this garbage keeps up. I really hope it doesn't. I hope I don't end up on bed rest already. I hope I don't lose the baby. Worrying does not help.

Sleeping is going a bit better, though I'm still only averaging about 4 hours a night as far as I can tell. Mary doesn't help much on that front. Monday night she was up from 12:30 to about 3 am, and she woke up this morning at about 4:30 and crashed around till Ian left for work. She's apparantly decided that sleeping is for loosers these days, she rarely naps anymore, and she stays up very late at night.

Purgatory is tomorrow night. I don't care if it kills me, I will attend that game, though I may have to miss out on the Arturian game that is happening Saturday night. I have a hard enough time with two games in one weekend at the best of times, and after the last couple of days, I really don't know if I can handle it this weekend.

Monday, November 20, 2006

A Typical Night

11:00 - Ian and I go to bed.

11:30 - We stop chatting about the day and get down to the serious business of trying to sleep.

11:35 - Ian is asleeep.

Midnight - I have to pee. Get up, stumble to the bathroom scattering cats in my wake, and do what I need too. Get back in bed.

12:15 - 2 am - Mind races through various topics. What will Mary look like when she grows up? How will Ian die? How will I die? How will the cats die? Did Ian lock the front door? Did the car doors get locked? What's that sound? I wonder if I could burn down the house and get away with it?

2:15 - Mind slows, doze off slightly.

2:30 - I have to pee. Kick Ian. Get up grumbling and do my business.

2:35 - Step in cat puke on the way back to bed. Curse.

2:45 - Crawl back in to bed. Ian snores. Kick Ian again.

2:50 - 5:15 - Toss, turn. Worry. Grumble. Kick Ian. Wonder about the baby I'm having in June. Is it a boy? Girl? Will Mary like it? Will I die giving birth to it? Will it die? Will it be handicapped because I forgot my pre-natal vitamin before going to bed tonight? I wonder if I can burn down the house without getting caught, or killing the cats...

5:30 - ARGH! Have to pee. Do it.

5:45 - Doze off again. Sweet sweet sleep.

6:00 - Ians alarm goes off. Cry.

6:07 - Alarm again.

6:14 - and again.

6:21 - and again.

6:28 - and again.

6:30 - Ian gets up. Crashes around house getting ready.

6:45 - Doze off.

7:00 - Ian leaves for work, slamming every door on the way.

7:30 - Finally! Sweet sleep takes me away!

8:30 - Mary wakes up. Chats quietly to herself in her bedroom, but still wakes me up.

9:00 - Mary gets impatient, pounds on wall with feet, hands, head, and whatever else she can think of.

9:15 - I stumble, weeping, out of bed and get another happy happy day started.

That was last night. Doesn't it sound like fun? It was a pretty typical night, though I do get an hour or two more sleep most nights. I don't know what it is, maybe my body is trying to prepare me for the inevitable fun of having a newborn and not getting any sleep.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

Today, I feel great! It's kind of surprising, really. I've still got some lingering nausea, but it is so much less than what I've been dealing with for the last several weeks that I feel like I'm in heaven. Could this signal the beginning of the end? According to my calculations, I'm only 10 weeks along, and with Mary the morning/all day sickness didn't end till I was about 16 weeks, but this one could be different, right?

I had a pretty nice weekend. On Friday we dropped Mary off with Raven and company, and we went on a date! I know! It was crazy, to spend time with the man I married, talking to him, eating a half decent nice supper without having to deal with Mary or run out the door for some commitment or another. It was really quite amazing. We also picked the right Friday night not to hang round Ravens place, as there were 10 children between the ages of 1ish and 7ish roaming around. By time we got back all the kids except the littlest babies were sleeping.

Saturday Ian started his new/old second job. His current job just doesn't give enough hours for us to do things like pay the mortgage and buy groceries, so he went back to the place he left to become a construction worker, and told them he would work for them Saturdays and any time he got snowed out of his other job. They welcomed him back with open (and desperate for at least one competent worker) arms, and now he is doing the job that he actually enjoyed there without any responsibility, but with close to the same hourly wage as he was getting when he left. Nice, eh?

Sunday we went over to Ian's aunt and uncle's place and hung out with the gang. Colleen and Terry are really the closest thing to Grandparents that Mary has here in Edmonton, and we all love going over there in spite of the high noise levels. Ian's cousins four year old boy Buddy is often there as well, and Mary quite adores chasing him around and trying to be just like him. They always make us feel incredibly welcome and part of the family, not to mention the fact that they feed us very well every Sunday.

Today Mary let me sleep in, I did some cleaning, and made a huge pot of Manhattan clam chowder. It's incredibly easy to make, and I LOVE the stuff. My dad always makes it for me when we drive to Regina, and it's great to have on a nasty winters day like today. It'll be nice and hot on the stove when poor Ian stumbles in from a long day working in the snow, wind and cold.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Lest We Forget

In Flanders Fields
By Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae MD (1872 - 1918)

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky,
The larks stil bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow.
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Still Alive

Hello, everyone. Yes, I'm still alive, even though I've neglected this little corner of my life shamefully. I really haven't done or thought much lately. Occasionally I think about blogging, but I think that y'all would get sick of daily posts of "Still want to puke. Sweet Jesus I hate being pregnant, why did I do this to myself again?" Wouldn't you?

Anyways. I still want to puke all day long. I hate being pregnant. I hated it the first time, but for some reason I forgot that fact in the 1.5 years after giving birth to Mary. Now I remember. I will not forget again, I swear it.

Grey's Anatomy was a doozy tonight. I have found that the first several episodes this season did not have the emotional punch of last season. I hardly wept in any of them. Tonight, I cried. Oh man, I cried. They had a pregnant woman who fell in the shower and broke her wrist. When doing an ultrasound, it was discovered that the baby, who had been healthy the day before, was dead. They showed the poor girl giving birth to her dead baby. I have to say, when I was pregnant with Mary, and now in this pregnancy, that is my biggest fear. Having to go through labour for a dead baby. I don't think I could do it, I really don't. Anyways, I've already had nightmares about this very thing, I don't imagine I'll sleep very well tonight.

Friday, November 03, 2006


The other night a friend of mine was telling me that she believes that a glass of wine every once in a while when pregnant is harmless. I was inclined to believe with her, and for the most part I still am. I believe that the big problem is binge drinking, and people who don't know when to stop. I didn't drink when I was pregnant with Mary, and I won't drink during this pregnancy either, it's a choice I have made, and a choice that was cemented in the last two days.

Yesterday and today I babysat for a friend. She has several foster children, two of whom are babies. These babies are wonderful happy little guys, but they are definately special needs kids. They require feeding through tubes, they are both 12 months old, but developmentally they remind me of Mary when she was about 6 months. It is an incredible amount of work to look after them. It's frustrating, annoying, dificult and at times heartwrenching, and I admire my friend immensely for the work that she does with these kids. Some people don't understand it, I do, it needs to be done, and without people like her and her husband, these babies wouldn't have anywhere to go. I certainly couldn't do it.

Anyways, after looking after these babies, I came to a realization as to why even if I think it probably won't do any damage to have a glass of wine I will be drinking gingerale at Christmas. I'm just not absolutely certain. I don't want to take the chance of ending up with a child that is ill simply because I missed drinking wine now and then. And to be honest, a big part of it is selfishness too, I don't ever want to have to deal with what I've been dealing with the last couple of days again.

Anyways, there you have it. Now for pictures of my beautiful girl on Haloween! The first picture is in our kitchen (notice the tasteful teal tile on the walls! It's in the bathroom too.) and the second is at Ian's aunt and uncle's place.


 Posted by Picasa