Monday, October 29, 2007


Is it Monday already? Is it almost the end of October already? You certainly wouldn't know it by the weather, it's another gorgeous day outside. When Frances wakes up from her nap I am determined to take the girls for a long walk...This is Saskatchewan after all, the weather will change in a heartbeat and snow will fly soon I'm sure. The town has a snow fence up at the end of our street (less than a block away) to keep the snow drifting out in the open prairie, rather than in our driveway.

I'm still not feeling quite right in the head. Last week did get a bit better, but I'm still scaring myself. I may go to the doctor about it, I really don't know what else to do. When I'm not weeping or baking like a crazy person, I worry....not just normal worrying, but really bizarre things, overwhelming panicky things that take my breath away and make it so I can't sleep at night. I worry that Ian will be in a terrible accident on the way home from work, I worry that my father will die, I worry that my mother will die, I dwell on the terror of me dying and not getting to see the girls grow up (that one really makes me sick), I worry that Mary will fall down the stairs and break her neck to the point that sometimes I won't let her go down the stairs by herself. I don't worry about Frances, but I do worry about the fact that I don't worry enough about Frances. When we go for walks I'm afraid that Mary will get hit by a car, I don't walk near the tracks anymore (even though Railway Ave is a decent distance from the actual tracks) because I'm terrified that Mary will escape and get smucked by a train. I worry that I have cancer, I worry that there's something wrong with my womanly bits (for good reason that I won't go into here). I worry that I'm going to get pregnant again which, along with my womanly bit issues affects Ian a great deal. I know that I'm not being rational, I know that it doesn't make sense, but once I start I get so wrapped up that I can hardly breathe. I worry that if I go to the doctor he'll put me on anti-somethings, and I had such a terrible experience with Effexor 5 years ago that the thought of going through that terrifies me.

Ahem. Anyways. Here are some pictures.

My closest and only friend in MIlestone, Mr. Squirrel. When I took this picture I got close enough that I reached out and touched his tail.

My girls hanging out on the couch. Frances is really turning into a beautiful looking baby.

My first ever pie. I learned very quickly that I despise making pastry, but boy was it heavenly. The apple and blueberry filling was delicious, and the crust was flaky and melted in your mouth.

Frances in one of our new, incredibly cheap, Walmart rocking chairs in the basement.

Mary and Ian with our Jack'O'Lanterns that we carved last night. Not the most artistically talented family, but we had fun.



mary said...

hey baby,
I know you're not into meds, but it sounds like you are having panic attacks. maybe do some internet research into some holistic things that can help. or you can follow my route and get some Xanax.

although it's not good for you.

maybe start writing things down when you get the chance. maybe make a list (I love lists) write down your worry, then make a list of all the reasons it's a valid worry, and all the reasons that it's not valid. maybe this will help you with perspective.

your worries are totally real, just out of proportion.

hope you feel better soon dear. miss you.

Anonymous said...

When things get that bad, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and try medication. Definately stay away from meds you've had a reaction to before, perhaps even that whole class of meds.

I hate to say it, but I wouldn't have survived PPD without medication. It was just that bad.

Goody said...

Do you have a minister or someone you can talk to? I realise that's sort of trading the cult of psychology for the cult of religion, but you might find it helpful.

OMG I can't believe you're out there touching squirrels! Ick. Please don't touch'll get RABIES!

Jenn said...

Don't worry about the Squirrel touching, Goody. They rarely carry rabies, and even if they do, my rabies titer is through the roof thanks to vaccines from working in veterinary health for 10 years.

I don't have anyone to talk too here, which I suppose is part of the problem. Ian either tunes me out or worries about me, I can't talk to my Dad about these things, and other than that....I just don't know. I used to go to church in Regina before I moved away, but I haven't seen any of those people with regularity for 8 years now.

Mary - I've tried the lists, I love lists too, but My reasons for validity were so overwhelming that I'd just get more freaked out and convinced that I was going to die tomorrow and leave the girls without a mother until Ian found some horrible Saskatchewan hussy to raise Mary to be a drinkin', smokin', pregnant at 17 country girl.

Anony - I managed to get through my first bout with PPD after Mary was born without meds. It was awful, but very different than this. I don't know if this is PPD or just me loosing my mind from isolation.

greypanther said...

If it helps any Jenn I went on anti-depressants after Shandra was born because I knew I was losing it. I had tried every other avenue and felt I was okay after Gareth what's wrong with me now?? I at least had a doctor who would listen to me and when the eight months of terror and depression proved too much for me I took the pills.

At the very least talk to your doctor and maybe ask if they know of any counselors who you can talk to. As Goody says a minister is also someone to see if you know one.

Lemme put it to you another way, after that second birth my hormones had gone beserk and I was living in a bad situation with a very bad landlord. I am not surprised I needed help. And you know what I already know that this pregnancy I will probably need help again. I am just hoping that since I am in a better situation I won't need help as long. I so wish I could come out there and hug you. It makes such a difference so I'll do the next best thing and hug you electonically!


That and keep super poking you on facebook. I hope it makes you smile at least!