Roseola

We have a culprit! It is the human herpes virus-6B. Also known as Baby Measles (although it is completely unrelated to the measles virus, for which Mary is vaccinated against). The rash appeared this morning, just like it ought too according to the reading I've done since being told what it likely is. Apparantly the rash is the tail end of the illness, so she should be feeling better by tomorrow for the long drive to Regina, though today she is feeling awfully miserable.

Speaking of miserable, there is nothing worse than a 2 year old with diarrhea, unless you toss in the ability and desire to take off the diaper full of diarrhea during nap time. Ugh. I would much rather find her caked in vomit like I did on Wednesday than caked in liquid poo like I did yesterday.

Anyways, I'm off to clean the house (or at the very least to procrastinate cleaning the house). Again, I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

Germs

Gosh, it's been a while since I updated this thing, hasn't it?

Things have been going well for me. No fainting spells and no more trips to the hospital. It would seem that things are evening out, though I'll not hold my breath. The weekend went well. Saturday was my cookie exchange which which went very well, I think. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and there was lots of food and cookies to be had. Saturday was also the Christmas party at J & R's place, and it was really quite fantastic. Everyone was there, there was lots of wonderful food, and the gift exchange went well too. I was given the Fionavar Tapestry by Guy Gavriel Kay, and I'm extremely happy about it. It's the only book by that author that I have not read, and I have wanted to read it for quite some time.

Sunday we got up earlyish, went out for brunch with G & K, went shopping (stupid, but we finished all our shopping for Miss Mary), went to Ians aunt and uncles place, and finally went to a restaurant for Ians second jobs Christmas get together.

Monday started out okay, Mary and I slept in, and then hung out on the couch lounging around. Unfortunately she woke up from her nap with a 40.4 degree fever. We've been fighting with this bug that she seems to have picked up ever since. Her fever is up and down, she's exhausted, crabby and obviously feels pretty crummy. She goes through lifeless phases where all she wants to do is cuddle close and moan softly. Oh, and did I mention the diarrhea? It's brutal. To top it off, yesterday she woke up from her nap in a puddle of vomit, her hair was crusty, her clothes were soaked...yuck. We are driving to Regina on Saturday for the holidays, I really hope she is feeling better by then, or it'll be a long 8 hours in the car...

Anyways, I may not get around to blogging again before we leave, and it's unlikely that I'll get a chance in Regina, so...Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

I feel better

I really do have a great doctor, I'm so glad that I decided to stick with him. Yesterday I called his office to describe what Nadine saw during my fainting spell, but he wasn't in the office till next week. I left a long message with his nurse and she promised to put it on his desk for him to find first thing Monday. This morning he called me from home. He had popped by the office for some reason or another and saw the message, and called me. He said that it is unlikely a seizure disorder as I actually remember blacking out, apparantly when the electrics of your brain go wonky you tend to forget about 30 minutes before the seizure actually happens. He suspects that it is a blood pressure/inner ear issue and intends to harass an ENT and a neurologist to see me sooner rather than later just to be safe. He also put my mind to rest about the bleed and the fact that I am still bleeding, as well as the health of my baby. He says that what happens in these cases is that the bleed starts, and then clots. After a week or two, the clot begins to "self destruct" or liquify, and that is the bleeding that I am having now. He says the fact that I am bleeding is a good sign in his mind, but that I still need to be careful; no intercourse, no heavy lifting (including Mary, yeah right). He also said that although they call what is happening a Threatened Miscarriage, it happens for very different reasons than an actual miscarriage, and the chances that there is something actually wrong with the baby itself are slim. Which is a huge weight off my mind. So, I feel better, things are being worked on, and hopefully all this misery will fade away some time soon.

As for baking, I wasn't fair last night. I love to bake, even if I'm not terribly good at it. I think it would be a lot easier if I had more than one foot of counter space to work on, and I'm sure I would enjoy it more. I still have no idea when I am going to make the remaining 50 cookies that need to be made by tomorrow afternoon, but I guess I'll figure something out.

I Am Not a Baker

When I was growing up Christmas was always a fantastic time of year. My Mum would spend hours baking wonderful cookies and squares for us, we were never without goodies. It was great, and I'll always cling to those memories. A pity Mary will have to do without similar memories. I do not reccomend attempting to bake Berlinerkranzer cookies. They suck. They're stupid and I hate them. I have made 24 of them, and the rest of the cookies I make for the exchange will be whipped shortbread. It doesn't get easier than whipped shortbread, I can do easy. I can also make mincemeat, and mincemeat tarts are easy if you use frozen pastry. That is all my family will ever get from me.

Goody, I cannot express how much you awe me with your cooking and baking things that don't come in packages marked Pilsbury.

My Body Hates Me

And I have to say, the feeling is becoming mutual.

The weekend started off okay. I babysat for Jonah on both Friday and Saturday nights so that his Mum and Dad could go to christmas parties. It was okay, Mary and Jonah had fun racing around like maniacs together, they both went to bed very well, and Ian and I watched movies till Trevor and Nadine got home.

We had a lot to do on Sunday, it's Ians only day off, and since the car problems it is the only day I have access to the car. We need groceries, baking supplies and I still have to get a gift for the gift exchange that's coming up this Saturday. So that was the plan when we woke up, before I realized that once again I was bleeding like crazy. So, instead of going shopping, I called my Dr. (I have his pager number now) and he sent me in to the hospital. Thankfully I didn't have to spend any time at all in the ER because of the call. The Doctor there checked things out, and decided to admit me. So, I spent all day Sunday and all day Monday hanging around the hospital. I was supposed to get an IV, but after the first attempt, all the nurses were afraid of my awful little veins and it never happened. I was told that I would have an ultrasound on Monday morning, so I sat around my room till they finally came for me at 2:30 in the afternoon. The U/S was good, baby is still in there alive and kicking, but so is the "bleed" which no one can explain. I finally got home on Monday afternoon at 4 after being told that there was nothing to be done, and to just carry on. Sigh.

Tuesday I babysat Jonah again. I wasn't feeling well, but I packed Mary up and headed for the bus. I hate taking the bus. When we got to Jonahs place, I promptly fainted, terrifying poor Nadine. My fainting spells are really horrid experiences, and now that I finally have a witness other than Mary, I'm a little worried that it's more than fainting. From what I experience, I get this horrid strong sense of deja vu. Wherever I am, the bus stop, my bedroom, wherever, suddenly becomes a terrifying place, everything in it menacing. At this point I know what is going to happen, so I can usually stumble over to somewhere like the couch or the bed, so when I fall I won't hurt myself. Then my ears start roaring, and blackness washes in from the sides of my vision. When I wake up, I'm confused and frightened, and the sides of my tongue always hurt from being bitten. Nadine called me this morning and said that when it happened at her place my eyes rolled back in my head, I started moaning, and my arms and jaw went really rigid. Then right before I came too, I started jerking a bit before opening my eyes (poor woman, no wonder she looked so frightened). I thought I had hit my head, but according to her I didn't, I just sat down in the chair, smiled, said something in response to her, and then wen't all weird.

So, I'm trying not to freak out, but I'm really getting worried about things. What the hell is going on with my body anyways? I almost wish that I would just miscarry and get over with it, and then, when I think that, I'm overcome with guilt. I just don't know what to do. I've decided not to bother the doctor if I start bleeding again (which I did last night), not until I'm bleeding really badly. There just seems to be no point in spending all that time in the hospital just to get a shrug from the doctors.

Now I have a whole lot to do before Saturday. I'm doing a cookie exchange Saturday afternoon, and I still have to get a gift for the party that evening. We still have a couple of Christmas gifts to get for Mary, and I still haven't even started Christmas cards. I suspect that no one will be getting cards from us this year, which really annoys me.

Fish out of Water

Geez, does it ever get better around here? Really, things aren't that bad, I'm a chronic worrier and pessimist, but for crying out loud. I know that problems breathing are relatively common late in a pregnancy, but I'm still pretty early for that sort of thing. I'll start at the beginning. Yesterday I was walking with Mary to catch the bus, it's a three block walk, nothing too hard, not to mention the fact that Miss Mary dawdles like crazy. It is tough to push the stroller through feet of snow that people haven't shovelled from their front sidewalks, but again, not that hard. Anyways, I got on the bus, and started gasping like a fish out of water, it was really really strange. My lungs felt like they were bursting, they were overfull. I kept gasping for air, but my problem was that I couldn't seem to breathe out enough to take any fresh air in. It lasted for about 5 minutes or so before I was able to breathe again. I know I'm in bad shape, but not that bad, I don't think. It happened again last night, and again this morning. I keep thinking I ought to go to the doctor, but I've been seen him every week for the last 4, I really don't want him to think that I'm a nutter.

Other than that though, things are going really well. I'm feeling much better physically other than the fish thing (oh, and the pimples, good God the pimples), Mary is delightful and wonderful and so much fun. Her vocabulary is growing every day, it just amazes me. Her latest favourite thing to say is "Thank You!" and it just thrills me every time she says it. She's really good at getting her needs and wants across to just about anyone who is around her, and she just loves people. She's so social and sweet, I can't believe we are so lucky. Pray that we are lucky twice, cause I suspect we are in for a shock with the next baby.

Trees Are Thinning

Well, it's sunday afternoon and things are looking good. I stopped bleeding completely on Thursday, and on Friday I had another ultrasound and saw the baby again. Heart still beating, legs and arms still kicking madly. I'm also officially into my second trimester now, which is also a good sign. I really believe that we are out of the woods for now and that life can get back to a semblance of normalicy. My Obstatritian doesn't need to see me till the new year unless something else happens. He did say that we will need to keep a close eye on things later on in the pregnancy. Because of this episode, I am now at increased risk of pre-term labour and growth problems in the 3rd trimester. I'm having a hard time worrying about that though...if this baby is born a few weeks early then it won't be the giant that Miss Mary was, right?

Financially things are, well, the same really. It's not so bad, we have some plans. We spoke with a bankruptcy trustee and we just can't justify it. We have a decent amount of RRSP's, which we would lose completely if we declared bankruptcy. So, instead, we will look at cashing in all our RRSP's, paying off the bulk of our debts and hoping for the best. That way, while we lose our savings, we don't have to do the whole bankrupt thing, and really, I can't see the point in saving for the future when you can't make buy groceries in the present.

We have some fantastic friends here who are really making us reconsider moving away. The offers of support and help have been amazing and somewhat overwhelming, and while we are far too proud to accept a lot of the help that has been offered, we appreciate it so very much. While we don't have a lot of family here, the friends we do have are so close to us that I really can't help but think of them as family.

Now, on to better things. Can you freaking believe it's December already? Mary's birthday is in less than a month, and so is Christmas. I bought my Christmas cards, and I really have to get my act together and start mailing them. It takes forever for Canada Post to deliver anything anywhere, and I still have a couple of cards and packages that I need to send to the States, which will take even longer.

I was convinced to put on a cookie exchange again this year, last years was a great success but I had decided not to do it again. I won't be hosting it in my house though, so I decided to go ahead with it. We have 11 people this year, so we decided that instead of a dozen cookies per person we would only do 8. It cuts down marginally on the amount of baking that we need to do, but that's still a lot of cookies. I've decided to make another childhood favourite called Berlinerkranzer cookies and I'm also going to make candied orange peels to go with them. Wish me luck, while the peels are relatively easy I've been told, when I told my mum I would be making 88 Berlinerkranzers she laughed at me for about an hour.

I still have several jars of mincemeat that I made a few years ago, I'm really looking forward to having that stuff, three years of soaking in the booze and getting yummy. I think I will have to make some more this January though. Oh...my stomach is grumbling at the thought of mince meat tarts and hard sauce...suddenly I'm in the Christmas frame of mind...maybe we'll go to Ikea and buy a cheap tree this afternoon...

It's my blog and I'll whine if I want too...

First, thank you to everyone who sent us well wishes after my last post, both personal and in the comments. Although I've not gotten back to anyone yet due to extreme business, we really do appreciate the thoughts.

First, good news. I am still pregnant, and the baby is still alive. The doctor I saw yesterday checked things out, listened to the heartbeat, and said that he thinks things are going well. He said that there is still a 1/3 chance that I may miscarry, but he also said that if I make it too the weekend without that happening that I will be out of the woods for now. I do know that I'm going to be awfully paranoid and nervous for the rest of this pregnancy, until the minute I have a healthy fully grown baby in my arms.

Other than that, things are going exceedingly poorly. Our house is falling apart and we are a heartbeat away from bankruptcy (literally). Ian recently bought a little car from a friend for our second vehicle, and because we can't manage the payments on the Taurus anymore. We were planning on giving up the good car, and moving down to one. Today the little white car died while Ian was driving to work. It turns out that the morons at his second job (a place where he worked as a manager for several years before going into construction) forgot to replace the oil cap when they topped up the oil for him. There's no oil at all in the engine, and if you know anything about cars, even if it's as little as what I know, you know that's a Very Bad Thing. So, now we are back down to one car which we can't afford, but if we loose it then Ian can't get to work, not to mention that things like groceries or trips to Regina will be incredibly dificult.

I mentioned that the house is falling apart, and I mentioned a while back that I spend my nights thinking about how wonderful it would be to burn the bloody thing down (of course I won't), but I don't think I've mentioned why it's so bad. I'll start at the top.

Windows - Ancient and drafty
Floors - ancient and ugly.
Walls (living room) - Okay, but cracked and ugly. Faux fire place in living room loosing all it's hideous plaster bricks to expose the nasty cinderblocks beneath.

Bathroom - Oh, this is good. Paint on the ceiling is cracked and gross, and full of mold. Same for the walls, mouldy. Giant hole in the wall behind the toilet from last years plumbing fun covered up by bristleboard, plastic and duct tape. Floor rotten from several years of water leakage. Sink old and taps drip. Nasty teal plastic tile coming away from the wall. Cold water tap in the bathtub does not work at all, it is either off, or runs all the time - we can't replace it because the fixtures are all so old that nothing new will fit without re-doing the entire tub.

Kitchen - Same problem with the nasty teal tiles. Shitty lino job peeling up. Taps leak constantly. The kitchen is the size of a closet.

Basement - Crack in foundation leaks. Cement floor seriously water damaged. The other day I went into the suite area which we were thinking of moving down too so we have more space in the house, but the walls in the bedroom are black with mold and mildew.

What I described is just the tip of the iceberg too, I'm sure there's more that I've either blocked out or we haven't found yet.

Selling and moving to a different, cheaper, easier to live in market is becoming more and more appealing. Moving closer to family is becoming tempting. Selling this dump and doing what we can with what we get, somewhere that it isn't horrendeously expensive is something we talk about all the time. My father is determined to get us to move to Regina, and the more he talks about it, the more sense he makes. We could sell this hole for about 120K, and buy something bigger, newer and nicer for the same in Regina. Not to mention that things are cheaper there, and we would have free babysitting. I would hate to leave Edmonton, I love this city, I love the way it feels, the way it looks, everything it has. I love my friends and would be lost without them....but we just can't afford to live here anymore, and with the way the housing market is, we will never get ourselves out of this little dump.

Sigh. So, that's a bit of what's on my mind now. Sorry for being depressing and self pitying and all that, but if I can't do it on my blog, then where can I?

Weekend Update

What an unpleasant weekend. Well, not all of it was that bad.

Friday Ian came home early, and he, Mary and I all got in the car and headed off to the OB/GYN. My Dr checked me out, and came to the conclusion that I have an inner ear problem called Meniere's Disease (which has been suggested to me in the past). He's in the process of getting me to see and ENT specialist, and there isn't much to do until I get that appointment.

Friday night was Purgatory. Ian and I dropped Mary off at Ravens place for the evening, and headed off through the snow and ice to the south side of the city. We stopped at Quizno's for subs for supper, and somehow the keys got locked inside the running car. Fun. After a great deal of effort and freezing coldness, along with some help from a friendly plumber, we got into the car with a minimum of damage, and made our happy way to the game.

Purgatory was fantastastic, as expected. V & I put on a fantastic version of the Christmas Carrol at the very beginning of the night which had everyone splitting their sides laughing. The evening progressed to be interesting, busy and fun for just about everyone.

Saturday I spent with Mary, cleaning up the living room and just hanging out. Saturday night was Crown of Thorns, the Arthurian game, and I was quite pumped to go. I had some inkling that some of my evil plans are coming unravelled, and I was looking forward to seing how things would work. Again there was a hilarious play put on at the begining of the night, this one a satire and mockery of the knights and kings of Arthurs court. After the play, the game itself got going. I had a quiet while, just talking and thinking and generally being quietly evil, when my body decided to betray me, luckily Mary was spending the night with Ians cousins.

You see, my body apparantly decided that what my weekend was missing was a miscarrige and several hours in the hospital. I stood up at one point in the night, and felt and heard a splash on the floor between my feet, along with a decided wetness along the insides of my thighs. I quietly and calmly made my way through the darkened room to the bathroom, hoping that no one would notice the trail I was leaving. Ian quickly came and found me sitting on the toilet and crying. After I gathered my nerves together and Ian cleaned up the mess I had left behind, we headed off for the Royal Alexandra hospital.

We arrived at the hospital, checked in, and took our seats in the waiting room. The Royal Alex, for those of you who do not know, is not in the nicest part of town. It is an inner city hospital, and there tends to be a more unsavoury element that spends their time there. Anyways, we took a seat, tried not to stare at the bleeding snoring drunks, or at the poor 20 something man who had decided to walk from one end of the city to the other in -25 degree weather with only his running shoes. We learned later that his feet were frozen solid all the way to his ankles. He spend the 3 hours he was in the waiting room bawling like a baby, it was all I could do not to go over and mother the poor bastard.

We were short-listed to see a doctor, which meant that we only had to wait 5 hours in the waiting room. I am so glad that we pay for health care in this province, it certainly seems to help. Anyways, at about 2 am, I nearly went home to loose my baby somewhere comfortable, but the nurse convinced me to stay. When the doctor came, he ordered a tonne of blood tests, iv fluids, an internal exam, and eventually an ultrasound. By time he decided on the ultrasound, it was 4 in the morning, so he told us to stay, as the U/S would be booked for "first thing in the morning." Early morning, mid morning, and late morning passed, and I was finally taken to have the u/s done at noon.

The ultrasound was surprising. There was a baby in there, alive and kicking, little heart pumping. The placenta is where it ought to be, the baby looks fine, if a little stressed. The problem is that there was a great deal of bleeding inside of the baby's sack, which is why I am still bleeding. When I was finally discharged, the doctor told me that I am experiencing a "threatened miscarriage." Basically, things could get better, or they could get worse and I could loose the baby. No one knows which way it will go, no one can change the outcome.

So, we wait, and we hope for the best while trying to prepare ourselves for the worst. The doctor told me that there is no reason why I can't continue to do what I do in day to day life, though he did suggest I take it easy for the next few days. If this is a miscarriage it will happen whether I am lying down or standing up. It's almost worse now, by time I went up for the u/s I had resigned myself to the fact that I'd lost the baby, but now I've seen it. If this is a miscarriage, it will be so much harder now that I've actually seen a living baby in my belly.

Falling Down

Not much to talk about here. The last two days I have been falling down a lot. I'm not sure why, I've often had problems with fainting in the past, but this is kind of extreme. I fainted twice yesterday, and already three times today. I called my doctors office and spoke with his nurse, and she was concerned enough to cram me in to the schedule for tomorrow afternoon. I believe I shall insist that Ian come home early from work tomorrow though, I don't trust myself to drive right now as the dizzyness is almost constant, and the fainting is bad, would be worse if it were to happen behind the wheel.

Mary is dealing with her fainting mother quite well. I wake up sprawled on the floor, couch or bed, with Mary staring at me. Once I figure out who I am and where I am, which takes a while, she grins, says "HI!" and demands a cookie. Heartless child. Thankfully I've not fallen on her, or while holding her, though it is a concern if this garbage keeps up. I really hope it doesn't. I hope I don't end up on bed rest already. I hope I don't lose the baby. Worrying does not help.

Sleeping is going a bit better, though I'm still only averaging about 4 hours a night as far as I can tell. Mary doesn't help much on that front. Monday night she was up from 12:30 to about 3 am, and she woke up this morning at about 4:30 and crashed around till Ian left for work. She's apparantly decided that sleeping is for loosers these days, she rarely naps anymore, and she stays up very late at night.

Purgatory is tomorrow night. I don't care if it kills me, I will attend that game, though I may have to miss out on the Arturian game that is happening Saturday night. I have a hard enough time with two games in one weekend at the best of times, and after the last couple of days, I really don't know if I can handle it this weekend.

A Typical Night

11:00 - Ian and I go to bed.

11:30 - We stop chatting about the day and get down to the serious business of trying to sleep.

11:35 - Ian is asleeep.

Midnight - I have to pee. Get up, stumble to the bathroom scattering cats in my wake, and do what I need too. Get back in bed.

12:15 - 2 am - Mind races through various topics. What will Mary look like when she grows up? How will Ian die? How will I die? How will the cats die? Did Ian lock the front door? Did the car doors get locked? What's that sound? I wonder if I could burn down the house and get away with it?

2:15 - Mind slows, doze off slightly.

2:30 - I have to pee. Kick Ian. Get up grumbling and do my business.

2:35 - Step in cat puke on the way back to bed. Curse.

2:45 - Crawl back in to bed. Ian snores. Kick Ian again.

2:50 - 5:15 - Toss, turn. Worry. Grumble. Kick Ian. Wonder about the baby I'm having in June. Is it a boy? Girl? Will Mary like it? Will I die giving birth to it? Will it die? Will it be handicapped because I forgot my pre-natal vitamin before going to bed tonight? I wonder if I can burn down the house without getting caught, or killing the cats...

5:30 - ARGH! Have to pee. Do it.

5:45 - Doze off again. Sweet sweet sleep.

6:00 - Ians alarm goes off. Cry.

6:07 - Alarm again.

6:14 - and again.

6:21 - and again.

6:28 - and again.

6:30 - Ian gets up. Crashes around house getting ready.

6:45 - Doze off.

7:00 - Ian leaves for work, slamming every door on the way.

7:30 - Finally! Sweet sleep takes me away!

8:30 - Mary wakes up. Chats quietly to herself in her bedroom, but still wakes me up.

9:00 - Mary gets impatient, pounds on wall with feet, hands, head, and whatever else she can think of.

9:15 - I stumble, weeping, out of bed and get another happy happy day started.


That was last night. Doesn't it sound like fun? It was a pretty typical night, though I do get an hour or two more sleep most nights. I don't know what it is, maybe my body is trying to prepare me for the inevitable fun of having a newborn and not getting any sleep.

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

Today, I feel great! It's kind of surprising, really. I've still got some lingering nausea, but it is so much less than what I've been dealing with for the last several weeks that I feel like I'm in heaven. Could this signal the beginning of the end? According to my calculations, I'm only 10 weeks along, and with Mary the morning/all day sickness didn't end till I was about 16 weeks, but this one could be different, right?

I had a pretty nice weekend. On Friday we dropped Mary off with Raven and company, and we went on a date! I know! It was crazy, to spend time with the man I married, talking to him, eating a half decent nice supper without having to deal with Mary or run out the door for some commitment or another. It was really quite amazing. We also picked the right Friday night not to hang round Ravens place, as there were 10 children between the ages of 1ish and 7ish roaming around. By time we got back all the kids except the littlest babies were sleeping.

Saturday Ian started his new/old second job. His current job just doesn't give enough hours for us to do things like pay the mortgage and buy groceries, so he went back to the place he left to become a construction worker, and told them he would work for them Saturdays and any time he got snowed out of his other job. They welcomed him back with open (and desperate for at least one competent worker) arms, and now he is doing the job that he actually enjoyed there without any responsibility, but with close to the same hourly wage as he was getting when he left. Nice, eh?

Sunday we went over to Ian's aunt and uncle's place and hung out with the gang. Colleen and Terry are really the closest thing to Grandparents that Mary has here in Edmonton, and we all love going over there in spite of the high noise levels. Ian's cousins four year old boy Buddy is often there as well, and Mary quite adores chasing him around and trying to be just like him. They always make us feel incredibly welcome and part of the family, not to mention the fact that they feed us very well every Sunday.

Today Mary let me sleep in, I did some cleaning, and made a huge pot of Manhattan clam chowder. It's incredibly easy to make, and I LOVE the stuff. My dad always makes it for me when we drive to Regina, and it's great to have on a nasty winters day like today. It'll be nice and hot on the stove when poor Ian stumbles in from a long day working in the snow, wind and cold.

Lest We Forget

In Flanders Fields
By Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae MD (1872 - 1918)

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky,
The larks stil bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow.
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Still Alive

Hello, everyone. Yes, I'm still alive, even though I've neglected this little corner of my life shamefully. I really haven't done or thought much lately. Occasionally I think about blogging, but I think that y'all would get sick of daily posts of "Still want to puke. Sweet Jesus I hate being pregnant, why did I do this to myself again?" Wouldn't you?

Anyways. I still want to puke all day long. I hate being pregnant. I hated it the first time, but for some reason I forgot that fact in the 1.5 years after giving birth to Mary. Now I remember. I will not forget again, I swear it.

Grey's Anatomy was a doozy tonight. I have found that the first several episodes this season did not have the emotional punch of last season. I hardly wept in any of them. Tonight, I cried. Oh man, I cried. They had a pregnant woman who fell in the shower and broke her wrist. When doing an ultrasound, it was discovered that the baby, who had been healthy the day before, was dead. They showed the poor girl giving birth to her dead baby. I have to say, when I was pregnant with Mary, and now in this pregnancy, that is my biggest fear. Having to go through labour for a dead baby. I don't think I could do it, I really don't. Anyways, I've already had nightmares about this very thing, I don't imagine I'll sleep very well tonight.

Alcohol

The other night a friend of mine was telling me that she believes that a glass of wine every once in a while when pregnant is harmless. I was inclined to believe with her, and for the most part I still am. I believe that the big problem is binge drinking, and people who don't know when to stop. I didn't drink when I was pregnant with Mary, and I won't drink during this pregnancy either, it's a choice I have made, and a choice that was cemented in the last two days.

Yesterday and today I babysat for a friend. She has several foster children, two of whom are babies. These babies are wonderful happy little guys, but they are definately special needs kids. They require feeding through tubes, they are both 12 months old, but developmentally they remind me of Mary when she was about 6 months. It is an incredible amount of work to look after them. It's frustrating, annoying, dificult and at times heartwrenching, and I admire my friend immensely for the work that she does with these kids. Some people don't understand it, I do, it needs to be done, and without people like her and her husband, these babies wouldn't have anywhere to go. I certainly couldn't do it.

Anyways, after looking after these babies, I came to a realization as to why even if I think it probably won't do any damage to have a glass of wine I will be drinking gingerale at Christmas. I'm just not absolutely certain. I don't want to take the chance of ending up with a child that is ill simply because I missed drinking wine now and then. And to be honest, a big part of it is selfishness too, I don't ever want to have to deal with what I've been dealing with the last couple of days again.

Anyways, there you have it. Now for pictures of my beautiful girl on Haloween! The first picture is in our kitchen (notice the tasteful teal tile on the walls! It's in the bathroom too.) and the second is at Ian's aunt and uncle's place.

 

 

 

Puke

Hello there! I've finally gathered the energy to sit down and wiggle my fingers over the keyboard in an attempt to discuss my vacation. You can see pictures over at Mary's Blog if you're interested.

Okay. The trip to Regina for Thanksgiving was nice. Mary handled the 8 hour drive there very well, although by the end she was pretty glad to be out of the car. We had a nice time there, got Mary a new bed (the one she had was falling appart due to hard use), and ate tonnes of food. On the trip home, Mary did not do so well. She had been stuffing herself the whole weekend, and the days of too much rich food caught up with her shortly after we left Saskatoon when she barfed all over herself and the back seat of the car.

The day after we got home from Regina, Mary and I hopped on a plane to Abbotsford. The flight went well, and all I have to say is Thank GOD for Westjet. They have extra leg room, and sattelite tv's in the back of every seat. Mary was fully entertained for the whole trip by watching Animal Planet.

We had a great time in B.C. visiting my mum and my family. We took the ferry to Victoria to visit my aunt, uncle and cousin over there. On the ferry back to Vancouver, travelling with Mary was like travelling with a rock star. There were several tour busses of Japanese folk of all ages travelling that day, and they all loved Mary. The teenage girls asked if they could have their pictures taken with her. The old people followed her around snapping pictures of her and picking her up and passing her around. She loved the attention, and I was a little concerned that she would end up in Japan.

The most exciting part of my trip was my first day in B.C., I think. I hadn't been feeling well, really quite unwell to be honest. My period was a little late, and there had been some strange action down there over the Thanksgiving weekend. So, I decided to pee on a stick. Yup. I'm pregnant again. I was excited at first, until I remembered how miserable being pregnant is. I won't go into the gory details, but suffice it to say, Morning Sickness is a serious misnomer.

I started to tell Mary that there's a baby in my belly, and at first she was puzzled, and would look into my pockets and under my shirt. Now she just grins and points at my belly and shouts "Baaaaaaaa-Beee!" I'm sure she has no idea what's going on, but I want to get her used to the fact before the baby comes in June.

I'm Baa-ack!

Hi there everyone!

I'm back! I had a lovely trip, although two weeks was about a week too long. I'm still getting everything organized and settling in, but in a day or two I will have my thoughts organized enough to show you some pictures and tell you some stories about my time in the Fraiser Valley. Oh, and tell you some other exciting stuff too!

Okay, I must get back to catching up on my blog reading. Two weeks away from the internet nearly killed me.

Baby Blogging

 

 

Mary's new favourite spot is in the toy box, after she empties it of almost all toys, of course.

Well, I'm not sure when I will blog again. Mary, Ian and I are hopping in the car and driving 8 hours to Regina for Thanksgiving, and driving back on Monday. Then Mary and I are hopping on a jet plane and flying to Vancouver, where we will visit with my Mum, brother and various other family members for 2 weeks. So, take care, I'll miss you all, and I will have pictures and stories when I get back on the 24th! 

Response

The post I made a few days ago on the young woman who murdered her baby has gotten a lot of comments, and not all of them were agreeing with me. I certainly didn't expect people to see my point of view, in fact, it was one of those posts that gave me butterflies when I posted it. I was concerned that people out there would be offended by my point of view. Some were, but everyone who commented here was nice and polite. Someone just posted a comment that I wanted to adress more fully though.

Okay, I'll bite...

How, then, do you fathom that a sane woman kills her child, KNOWING it is wrong, and being 100% sane. How can you be sane and kill your baby?

Those who know me to be quick to judge on just about every aspect of life and politics. But after what I went though this past year I have to have some sympathy for any mother that finds a way to rationalize killing their baby.

If you think you are disturbed by it imagine living with killing your baby for the rest of your life.

I have met women who can not be alone in a room with their children, and haven't been able to do so for years. These women are suffering from a far more real thing than any one who hasn't been there can imagine. And when we would meet, their sorrow was like a giant elephant in the room.

Compared to them, I was lucky. But I am also very aware that I was not only not myself, but I was unable to come back from a very scary, and very real place. And again, those who know me know me to have an iron will.

Perhaps it is overdiagnosed, but PPD is real, and while I don't condone killing babies I think its incredibly dangerous dismiss it entirely. Remembering of course that there are only a few extreme cases... And probably EVERY time depression related murder happens it gets reported by our wonderfully oversensationalist media.

I am also sad that there is no longer any funding in Mental Health for PPD. In our community the breif intervention clinique has been closed, leaving women who are suffering after they have a baby with a THREE WEEK WAITING LIST to get help. This is disturbing to me because had I waited 3 weeks God only knows how much further down the road I would have been.

I have chosen to see a Naturapath for my remaining symptoms, which costs alot of money and requires a ridiculous amount of commitment. Not every one has that luxery. And while I have been strictly synical until now about anti-depressants I think its that attitude that keeps people who really need the drugs from taking them... and that's how this shit happens.

Woh! I just started typing and this all just came out! Sorry about that... Its just a really really complex issue and some of the general disdain in the other comments were just to black and white for me.

Nice Blog my friend. Its my first visit!

I really have to adress the first sentance: "How, then, do you fathom that a sane woman kills her child, KNOWING it is wrong, and being 100% sane. How can you be sane and kill your baby?"

Really, when you put it that way, can you be sane and kill anyone? And that is my point in a nutshell. This girl killed her baby, and I really don't think that it ought to be seen as any different than if she killed her brother, her mother, her neighbour, a stranger on the street or five Amish girls in a one room school. Murder is murder. Yes, it's tough for new mothers, and maybe there ought to be more funding out there for PPD. Though in my experience the moment someone thought that I might have PPD, I wasn't left alone for months. The fact is, this girl wasn't willing to look for help, due to whatever reason. Not three weeks, not three days, not even 3 hours.

Now, don't get me wrong. I feel for the girl, really I do. I can't imagine what happened to her to make her think that her only choice was to wrap her underwear around her newborns neck and toss him over the fence into the neighbours yard. I can't imagine that her life will ever be easy, in or out of jail, she will have to carry the knowledge that she killed her baby forever. I certainly don't believe that her family is blameless. I would hope that if Mary were to ever get herself pregnant, one, she would feel able to speak with Ian and I about it, and two, if she chose to keep it a secret, we would be involved enough in her life that we would notice that something was up.

I think that mental illness, while it is a very real and terrible thing, is too often used as an excuse. Be it the nurse in Northern Alberta who poisoned and stole from her fellow employees for months before getting caught, to the young mother who murders her baby, to the US Congressman who writes inappropriate emails to teenage pages and blames being abused when he was a child. People need to take responsibilites for their actions, and need to learn to deal with the consequences. We all live through trauma, we all suffer and survive and carry on with our lives. The vast majority of us know the difference between right and wrong, and should be able to control our impulses.

What a Deal!

Attention people with cat allergies! (I immediately thought of you when I read this, Raven). Do you wish you could have a cat in spite of horrible allergies? Do you have $4000 US laying around just waiting to be spent? Well, have I got the deal for you! Scientifically proven hypoallergenic cats!