Rambling

I haven't really got much to say right now, though I'll try, and I'll likely end up posting more than I intended.

I'm not doing very well emotionally lately, I'm not certain why. I am absolutely certain that if I were to go to a doctor and describe how I've been acting he would happily give me an rx for all sorts of mind altering chemicals regardless of the safety of my baby. I'm not even sure when it started, though I think it might have been with Ians fingers. Last week was rough and I worried a lot about Ian, before realizing that with these fingers of his he cannot do anything to help me around the house. No dishes, no laundry, no changing cat boxes (which I also am not supposed to do), no nothing. Then friday rolled around. A couple of friends were having a birthday celebration which I had been seriously looking forward too all week. Mary ended up being miserable, sick, and unfit for human company, so at the lastish minute, I decided not to go out. Ian had plans for that night too, and he decided that there was no reason for him not to go out. Really there wasn't, but when I started weeping on the couch for no good reason as he was getting ready to go....well, I had hoped he would have decided to keep me company. Instead I spent friday night alone, stuffing myself with granola bars. Thank goodness that was the only sweet/snack food we had in the house at the time.

Saturday wasn't much better. It was a long lonely day as Ian was at work. Crown of Thorns had been cancelled, which was a little sad, but other friends were having their 10th anniversary celebration at the Hotel MacDonald, and we were invited. Ian called me around 2 in the afternoon to tell me that our planned babysitter had called to tell him that they were all sick, and we shouldn't bring Mary over. So. No party or getting out that night either. We did go out for supper to a buffet, but again, Mary was so wild that we were only out of the house for an hour. I went to bed at 8 that night.

Sunday was another miserable day. Mary threw one of her mind bogglingly sudden and uncalled for tantrums first thing in the morning when we were trying to get her dressed so we could go out and do something, and after fighting with her for 30 minutes, we gave up on the idea of getting out of the house. I went back to bed and spent much of the day there, alternately moping, brooding, weeping and sleeping. At one point Ian came to check on me and I said "I think I might be depressed or something." He very quickly agreed.

Monday was a "holiday." Ian worked. I sat at home alone with Mary. Again. The walls of baby jail are closing in. I don't know why. It's possible that it has something to do with the fact that I am in near constant pain with this pregnancy. My pelvis, hips, back, neck, shoulders, knees....every joint in my body aches all the time which makes it hard for me to get up and get out unless I absolutely have too. This baby feels monstrously big, and is very strong. I remember the 2nd trimester being the best part of my last pregnancy, and it terrifies me that things are going to get worse before this baby is born. And then the baby will be born. And I will have a very busy 2 year old and a new born infant. Ian will be working, and I will be alone with them both 6 days a week. If I'm having problems dealing with life right now, how on earth will I handle that?

Mary has also become more challenging lately. The temper tantrums are sudden, unexpected, inexplicable and often violent. Most of the time she's a beautiful, sweet and funny little creature to be around, but she can turn from laughter to screaming rage in literally less than a second. I am absolutely positive that it could be a lot worse, but it's still hard to deal with. Top that with her refusal to speak english unless she is repeating what I say and it's a rough way to live. She's also decided that diaper changes and getting dressed are both torture beyond endurance. My large pregnant belly makes an excellent target for her thrashing feet when she's fighting me on both those points. Mary's also become much more aggressive with Jonah, the little boy that I babysit. Yesterday he did something that made her mad and she threw a rod. He was a little puzzled so he went into another room to play by himself, and she actually chased him down to attempt to beat the crap out of him. I ended up locking her in the bedroom for some calm down time by herself. After a couple of minutes she had chilled out enough that I let her out, and after about 10 minutes of cuddling they had both forgotten the fight, and were playing happily together once again.

In other news, I have learned a lesson in the last couple of days. When you are already emotionally fragile, watching season 3 of Battlestar Galactica (the new ones, of course) is not a wise course of action. Mind you, it does get me bawling, which feels pretty good right now.

Oh, as for good news, I was on the MLS real estate website online the other day just checking things out, and there are only 3 houses listed there in all of Edmonton that are less than 200 thousand dollars, and all three of them have been condemned for one reason or another. That means that we could reasonably ask for 200 thou, and expect to get close to that. We owe just under a hundred thousand on this house now, so we may walk away with close to 100G in our pocket. Theoretically, we could take that money, pay off our debts, move to Saskatchewan and buy a house outright and not have a mortgage to worry about at all. Or we could invest some of that money for university for the kids, and suck up a smallish mortgage in Sask. It's awfully tempting, let me tell you. It would be really nice to be closer to my dad, and even my step-mum. I miss them, and, well, it's a whole lot easier to impose on your parents than on your friends.

Anyways, I did type a whole lot more than I intended, and I do feel better putting all that stuff down. If anyone has any suggesstions on how to drag myself out of this slump that I haven't thought of (yes, I know, healthy eating, getting out of the house, exercise are all good options, except for the fact the most days I can barely walk because of my hips/pelvis). I have absolutely no intention of taking happy pills, so I need to think of something else.