Crazy

I am officially in my third trimester. Less than 12 weeks to go until there should be another member of our growing family, and I really hope they pass quickly. My centre of balance is off, I have a hard time getting up from sitting down, my back aches, my boobs leak, I waddle when I walk, and I can't sleep at night. When I do manage to sleep I have bizarre dreams, usually about kittens. Occasionally I find kittens and bring them home, sometimes I give birth to kittens, it's all very strange.

I'm also getting more and more frightened about, well, everything. I worry about the move to Saskatchewan (though my worries are a little less thanks to Ryans comment on my last post), yes, but I worry more about what comes after. I'm terrified of giving birth, which is strange, but I know what I'm getting in too now, and it is much more frightening with that knowledge. My biggest fear is probably the most irrational though. I love Mary so much, more than anything or anyone I've ever loved before. Every once in a while it amazes me, I never thought I was capable of feeling this way before. How on earth will I be able to love this next baby as much? What if I don't love it as much, will I be able to be a good mother? Will I resent the new baby for ruining my relationship with Mary? I have so much fun spending time with her, and I won't be able to do it as much with a new baby. Everything is going to change so much, and I worry that none of it will be for the better. I'm sure that I'm being crazy and obsessive, I have friends who have more than one child and they seem to love them all....but I just can't help it.

So, yesterday we spent another $250 on the piece of crap Taurus that we just spend $700 on last week. Urg. Hopefully this will be the last money we need to sink into it for a good long time, I'm getting awfully sick of throwing all our money at it. Unfortunately, because of Ians work situation over the last couple of weeks (which has resolved, thankfully), we are very short of cash and had to ask my dad for a loan. It would have been okay, but the $250 we just spent was set for groceries, and now we are back in the exact same position as we were before Dad sent us the money. Selling this house will be fantastic, especially if we get what we think we will get for it...we can pay off our debts and actually get on top of things for once.

Oh, I took Mary to the doctor yesterday, just one of the walk in medicentres in town. My timing was perfect, when we got there the place was empty, so we only waited about 15 minutes to see the doctor, but in those 15 minutes the place filled up like crazy. Mary's had a bad cough for about 2 weeks now, and while she seems okay otherwise, it was starting to worry me a little bit, and it gets bad enough at night that she can't sleep and sometimes coughs till she throws up all over herself (and us on Saturday night). I quite liked the doctor she saw, she was a non nonsense sort of lady, and while I don't usually like female doctors I'm glad we got to see her. She poked in Marys ears, looked in her mouth and throat, listened to her chest, and pronounced that there was no infection, it was probably just the viral cold that is going around, and we should expect it to continue for another week or two before it gets better. What I liked most was that she didn't toss antibiotics at us like many doctors would do. I don't know if they do it because they think that parents expect to be given some sort of prescription, but it drives me crazy. I don't want to give Mary (or take myself, for that matter) medicine that isn't necessary and isn't going to do anything to solve the problem.